Alone Together
by Exploding Dandelion
Summary: It starts off in the most normal way possible. It isn't normal because of the things that would follow, but at the time they are seen as completely everyday things. Not special. Not romantic. They had no spark. He just needed a ride home.
1. Ride Home

**This is slightly AU. Post FF13. Ignores FF13-2. Assume they are doing well enough on Pulse, as that is not the focus here. Pairing wise: HopexSerah, one-sided HopexLightning, and slight SnowxSerah. Expect much angst.**

**Based on the idea of, _What Are We?_ You do not have to read it to understand this fic. **

**Thank you in advance for reading.**

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><p>Hope sighs and runs his hand through his silver locks, leaning against the concrete of the building and watching the rain fall behind the safety of the clear glass doors. He missed the bus and thought he could wait out the storm, but each ticking second proves to bolster the tempest's turbulence. Wind whips the rain at the glass, leaves sticking to the doors before being carried into the sky. Hope hears the rumble before the force of thunder thrums through the building, making his body quake.<p>

"I guess I'll have to call her." He pulls out his cell phone, narrowing his eyes at the names as he scrolls down the list.

_Dad's out of town for the next few months. Snow is at work or something. Lightning-_

He stops at the name. His cheeks burn and he shrugs, pressing the number and pushing the phone to his ear before he loses his nerve. He taps his foot as he waits for an answer, trying not to think of the awkward conversation. And her utter, total silence.

And completely blank face.

_If that doesn't say rejection, I have no idea what does. What am I even doing, calling her after-after that? I'm just-I'd rather walk! In the cold, pouring rain. And...and the terrible, bitter wind..._

Hope nods to himself, ready to snap the phone shut when there's a click and a soft voice floats from the other end. "Hello?" Hope pauses and blinks at the voice.

"Um, hey?" He swallows and tries to deepen his voice. "You're not Lightning."

Giggles come from the other end and Hope's face burns anew. "No. I'm looking after the house for her. Kind of. She keeps forgetting to buy herself milk-she called from work, saying she forgot again." More giggles, then a pause for breath. "Guess who I am! Come on, you know this one."

Hope tilts his head to the side. "S-Serah?" he tries, jumping when there's a yelp on the other side.

"You got that right! Come on, you really didn't know? I can tell it's _you_, Hope." Hope pouts, shifting his feet.

"You sound different on the phone. A bit. Maybe. Well...sorry, I was looking for Lightning but I guess-"

He winces at the crackling on the other end, blinking when he hears the desperation in her high-pitched voice. "No! I mean, maybe I can help you? With...well, with whatever it is."

Hope swallows, looking outside as several twigs snap at the doors. "I-um-I need a ride back home. I missed the bus and I just-"

"No problem!" Hope shakes his head, opening his mouth to speak, but Serah cuts across him. "I'll be there in no time! It's New Eden, right? That's not too far from here."

The line goes dead before he can argue and Hope sighs, shaking his head and leaning against the wall for support.

"As if this wasn't awkward enough," he mumbles, taking his white hood and throwing it over his head. "This is going to be one weird car ride."

More thunder rolls in, making the glass shake. Hope gives the doors a worried glance, taking a step back. "But I guess it can't be that bad. Better than dying in some freak weather accident."

_And it way beats talking to Lightning after-ugh, that stupid confession. She just stared at me! Stared. Like I grew two extra heads or something. I mean, I know I'm young and all, but I'm not _that_ young. And I am totally legal now, no matter what Lebreau says._

Hope sighs and kicks at the black mat under his feet. _All she did was stare. Then she gets up, leaves, and I have to walk home for the night. Does she even realize how far her house is from mine? A good three miles, if not more! _

Hope continues to fume, but there is no real vigor in it. A dull ache settles in his chest, pulsing every now and again as he imagines blank blue eyes. A flat line for a mouth. Utterly no emotion, not even when he told her he liked her.

_But that was stupid, wasn't it, Estheim? Like you actually had a shot with a girl like her. She just didn't know how to let you down easy, so she left to get away. She's never been much of a people person, so it's not so surprising. _

_What is surprising is how completely, absolutely _stupid_ you were in thinking-_

"Hope?"

He jumps at her voice, nearly slamming into the wall as he trips over his feet. Serah brings a hand to her mouth and suppresses a giggle, flipping wet, strawberry blonde bangs from her eyes. Hope pauses, looking her up and down, and shudders when he realizes how much Lightning and Serah look alike.

_Sure, she's softer than Lightning, but...the eyes, the hair, the frame. So, so similar! I mean, I get that they're siblings but-_

"Hope?" Serah asks again, waving a hand in front of his face. Hope grins, his cheeks warming as he scratches the back of his neck.

"Sorry about that. I've been lost in thought." Another clap of thunder startles him, and Hope shakes his head. "And...sorry about this. I didn't mean to drag you out of the house."

Hope blinks when Serah's eyes darken, but she perks up as soon as he catches it. "It's no problem at all, Hope! I'm glad I could help. This storm is way too dangerous for you to be walking in anyway." She tugs at his arm, leading the way out of the safety of the school.

Wind barrels them instantly and Serah tightens her grip on Hope's arm. The rush of air leaves Hope winded and he tries to breathe out his mouth, shivering as icy rain pellets shoot down his throat. His hood flies down and a blast of cold sends chills to his feet. Serah's car is tantalizingly close, Serah already unlocking the door, but she stumbles at a strong gust of wind.

"Shi-" Hope's swear is swept up with twigs and leaves and he catches her fall with his chest, acting as a wall as she struggles with the car door. His body convulses, the cold creeping in despite the few seconds he's been outside. He feels his feet sliding on the sidewalk but can barely see with his bangs being slapped into his face.

"There! Get in, Hope, I can crawl in after you!"

Hope springs for the car, wincing when he feels his feet leave tracks on the seat. He drags himself over and grabs Serah's hand, pulling her in before he loses his grip on her cold and slippery fingers. Serah flails for the handle, slamming the door shut and muffling the howling wind.

Serah blinks, knees on her seat and hands in her lap. Her hair stands in all directions now, several loose strands sitting straight on her head. A twig has lodged itself in her hair and pokes at her neck, and leaves cling to her jacket.

Hope bites back a chuckle, figuring he's no worse for wear, but jumps when Serah starts giggling. She puts a hand to her mouth to stifle the bubbly noise, shaking her head at Hope's questioning look and reaching for his head. Hope closes his eyes, shuddering when a drop of water runs down his face.

"You had a leaf in your hair." Hope's eyes snap open and Serah waves the offending foliage in front of him. "It was sticking straight up. Like you suddenly had a tree growing out of your head."

Hope puffs his cheeks, pointing at her. "And what about you? Your hair is doing this-this-I don't know, claw thing." Hope claws at the air, narrowing his eyes. "And if anyone looks like a tree, it's you! You've got a twig in your hair! All I had was a leaf!"

"Okay, okay, you win. I'm the tree. You can be a bush or something," Serah says, righting herself in the seat and starting the car. She pulls her seatbelt over herself and glares at Hope until he follows suit.

"Why don't I feel any better about that?"

"Because trees are way better than bushes, that's why." Serah sticks her tongue out at him before bursting into another fit of giggles. Hope groans, shaking his head and leaning back into the seat. Warm air starts blasting him and he sighs, easing into the chair. Hot air begins filling his soggy shoes and warming his blued skin.

"Didn't know how cold I was," Hope mumbles, relaxing against the window.

Serah smiles, pulling away from the school and heading down the street. "You normally don't until you feel the warmth."

Hope hums in agreement, watching the bare streets flash by. "No one's on the road," Hope mumbles, shaking his head when his eyelids droop.

"Well, this is a pretty bad storm. And people are really antsy now that we don't have the Fal'Cie to protect us."

"You'd think a few years without them would have given us our confidence back." Hope stretches his legs out, body melting to the seat. "We can rebuild in less than a decade, but we jump at the smallest storm."

Serah narrows her eyes, nodding. "I guess-I guess everyone is afraid. Things like this didn't happen before. It's hard to adapt when you're still wishing for the old ways."

Hope's eyes harden. "I know. I just wish it was..." Hope shrugs, shoulders sagging. "I don't know what I wish."

Silence falls between them and Hope glances at Serah from the corner of his eye.

She's a little taller now, but not by much, and Hope is glad to notice he's a good few inches taller than her now. Her hair is longer too, hanging loosely from her side ponytail and just curling at the ends. Yet, Hope sees a hunched sort of look about her. Circles under her eyes that didn't seem to fit.

"Serah-"

"It's been a while since we've actually seen each other, huh?" Serah asks, smiling. "I mostly heard about you from Snow and sis. We never get to talk face to face most of the time." She hums a bit, turning the wheel. Her eyes never leave the road.

Hope's eyes never leave her.

"How is Snow?" he tries, shifting when his heart rate starts picking up.

"Oh-well, I think he's all right. He and NORA wind up getting a lot of work from the military nowadays. He's on a really important mission right now. I guess there's a pack of behemoths nearby making a nest. They have to track them down and kill them off before they get too close to the city." Serah smiles through the whole explanation.

Hope doesn't know why it bother hims.

"That explains why I haven't heard from him...but, what about last month?"

"A different mission, that's all." Serah turns again. Hope narrows his eyes at her trembling hands. "Not as dangerous as this one though. Even with Snow and everyone else there, they may need to call for backup."

"Like Lightning?"

Serah nods, turning once more before easing the car to a stop. Hope blinks at her before glancing out the window. He raises his eyebrows, pointing at the house. "This isn't where I live."

"I know. But, you kinda live far away. And this storm. And the car. And-"

Hope shakes his head, holding a hand up. "It's all right, I understand. Beggars can't be choosers anyway." Hope smiles at her, eyes bright. "And since you saved me from the horrors of walking in this crap, please allow me to escort you inside."

"What?"

"The wind nearly blew you over last time!" Hope throws the door open and the wind assaults him, blowing his hair in all directions and knocking the breath from him once more. He slams the door, silencing Serah's already feeble protests, but quickly maneuvers to the other side of the car. He yanks the door open and guides Serah out, grabbing her wrist and rushing her to the front step, kicking the car door shut as he ran.

"I'll wash your car later!" Hope shouts over the wind, glancing at the muddy shoeprint he left.

"It's all right! I have a feeling the rain will take care of it." Serah pulls ahead of Hope, thrusting her key into the door and throwing it open. She yanks Hope inside and they both slam the door behind them, breathing out sighs of relief at the sudden calm.

"I so love the rain," Hope mumbles, shaking his wet hair. He idly glances around, noting the long hallway that opens to a joined kitchen and dining room. Two doors sit at the very end of the hallway, cast in shadows, and there is an archway to what Hope guesses was the living room.

"Sorry it's so dark," Serah mumbles, throwing her coat on a nearby table. She turns to Hope, making him turn around as she works his off of him. "It just seems pointless to light the whole house when I'm the only one here."

Hope nods, staring hard at the white wall until his jacket is off and he's free to remove his shoes. "You didn't have to do that," he says, throwing his shows into a corner. He shudders at the water swishing in his socks and squishing between his toes. He glances once at Serah before ripping them off and stuffing them into his shoes.

"Doesn't mean I can't!" Serah sings, hurrying down the hallway and skipping through the archway.

Hope grins and follows her, closing his eyes and breathing in as long as he can to soak up the warmth of the house. His grin widens when he feels soft, plush carpet under his toes, and he opens his eyes to the living room.

Serah is huddled in a three-seater couch, rubbing her raw toes and staring at the blank television. Hope tilts his head but says nothing, dropping onto the couch and cracking his neck. He looks around the room through his bangs; catches that not one thing is dusty, spotted, or otherwise wrong with the room. No books are out of place, instead sitting neatly on the glass coffee table in front of him. There are no random clothes laying around, no boxes of tissues or forgotten keys or lost blankets. The only mess is their dripping clothes and hair.

The room is in complete and total order.

And completely and totally dead looking.

"So, I guess you don't use this room much?" Hope asks. He looks back at Serah, jumping when he sees her eyes welling up. He hurries to her side, falling off the couch in his haste. He kneels in front of her, clawing the couch fabric. "Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry, I have a bad habit of-"

"Do you really think they'd call Lightning away too?"

Hope blinks at the question. His mouth drys and he looks away, nodding. She says nothing and Hope forces his voice out. "I-I think they might. Behemoths are hard to kill and if they're tracking a whole nest of them."

"I see," Serah says, curling in on herself.

Hope swallows at her dark eyes and trembling lips. _How did this happen? What did I say that was so bad? Oh crap, oh crap-_

"Everyone is doing something useful, aren't they?" Serah asks, breaking Hope from his thoughts. "Everyone is out there making something of themselves or doing what they do best. Snow, Lightning, everyone from NORA."

"I'm not doing anything useful!" Hope tries, ignoring the clenching in his chest.

"But you _are_, Hope! College is totally useful! Never say anything otherwise." Hope blinks, slowly nodding at her. Serah returns the gesture, resting her head on her shoulder. "And-and I guess, I'm just sad that I'm here. By myself. Being no use to anyone. How can I heal Snow when he's so far away from me? And how can I make sis smile when she's almost always gone."

Her eyes water dangerously. Hope bites his lip. "I-I don't know why I'm even telling you this! I shouldn't-you must be cold!" Her voice is painfully chipper in under a second. The smile cracks her face and Hope's eyes snap to the ground.

Shame burns him and he doesn't know why.

"Yes, cold and hungry. Well, I can fix both of those things! A nice hot meal, just for you. It gets boring cooking just for me-"

"Serah," Hope hates how small his voice is. Quiet and timid. "Serah," he tries again, forcing volume, "are you lonely? I mean...if Snow really is gone that often, you must be." Hope doesn't catch Serah grip her engagement necklace or her glance at the gold band around her finger. He's too busy searching for the right words in his fingers.

"I know what that can feel like. Dad...even after mom was gone, dad was-is gone a lot. He's paying me through college and he's set me up in a nice house but-but he's not _there_." Hope looks up at her and Serah holds back a gasp at the way his eyes look. They are lost and dark and afraid. They are her own eyes when she looks in the mirror; dully searching for someone that isn't there. Sitting in the dark and cold and trying to make it sound all right when it's not.

And she wants to hug Hope for understanding. Wants to hug Hope for sharing so little and so much all at once. Feeling the pain of an empty house day after day, when it was supposed to be loud and cheerful and all those things it wasn't.

Hope understands this and it joys and saddens her.

"How about I come and visit? Every day. After school, the weekends, my days off." Hope's face is hot and his mouth is moving without his permission; but he knows he'll do it from the way her face brightens.

"Promise?" she asks, holding out her pinky.

Hope blinks, snorting a bit. "I haven't done this in a while. Like, fourth grade." He takes her pinky in his and they shake, Hope holding her eyes.

"Promise."


	2. Be Okay

_**I owe my readers an update. I hope you are all still interested in this story. It will start picking up now that college is through.**_

_**And as I plan it all out, I fear it may be bumped to M.**_

_**I'll be replying to your reviews later as it is rather late where I am, and I do enjoy sleep. But thank you for reading.**_

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><p>"Are you sure you don't mind, Hope? I don't want to cut into your schedule or anything."<p>

Hope sighs, pressing his face into his knees and hitting the pause button for the sixth time. The woman stops mid-scream, her mouth half open and her eyes staring in different directions.

"I am so sure it hurts, Serah." Hope turns to her, smiling a bit when she blushes. "I said I would hang out with you and I'm going to do just that. Whenever I have free time, I'm afraid you'll have me at your doorstep. A new mouth to feed. A child that needs care, affection, and more than a little of a scary movie."

Serah laughs, leaning into the couch and wiggling her toes. "I know, I know. It's just-I never expected this. I didn't think you'd actually come."

Hope's eyes flash and he sits straighter, his shoulders stiff. "I'd never go back on a promise, Serah. Not one this important."

Serah blinks at him, her eyes wide. Her mouth forms a small smile and she sighs. "You can be such a gentleman. But if this starts cutting into your schoolwork."

"Because I love homework."

"Or your social life-"

"I have one of those?"

"Or anything else important-"

"Because I have _so _much going on in my life right now." He chuckles at her reddening cheeks, giving her a small jab in the arm. "You're worrying about nothing. Besides, I can't leave now, we just started the movie. And we need to think of how we're going to talk to Snow once he gets back."

Serah looks away, her pout falling into a frown. "Are you sure we have to do that? If you and I keep doing this, I'm sure I'll be fine. I don't want to make him feel guilty or anything like that."

"Too bad," Hope says, sniffing a bit and looking away. "That's what he gets for leaving you all alone like this. He should have picked up on it a lot sooner."

Serah's arms tighten around her legs. "Don't say things like that. He's working really hard for me! He's making sure I'm taken care of and can do things and live comfortably."

Hope narrows his eyes but does not look over to her. "So, does being alone like this seem really comfortable to you?" Serah's eyes widen at his words and she tries to bury her face in her knees. Hope stretches his legs to the floor, eyes cold. "Is this really what you wanted? To live alone in this big house with your husband away fighting monsters? Wondering if he's all right and if he's remembered you despite everything?"

_This isn't how this was supposed to go! We were doing so well. Shut up, shut up!_

But Hope's voice rises with each word, his chest flaring. Everything is pushing down on him, making it hard to breathe.

"You're hanging out with _me_ to feel better, Serah! Not your husband, like you're supposed to. You're unhappy when he's gone all this time. He should have noticed too! On the last trip, or the one before that!"

"It hasn't always been this bad! It's been okay before!" Serah's voice shakes and her hands tremble. Hope stares at her, long and hard before finally whipping his head away. He props his elbows on his legs and rests his face in his hands. He blows out a sigh, shoulders falling.

"I'm sorry. I had not right to get so mad at you. At Snow. It's none of my business." Hope snatches the remote up from the floor and plays the movie, the woman's screams jostling Serah. "Just-just forget I said anything."

Serah stays silent and Hope leans back into the couch, his eyes flickering with the scenes. Serah continues to watch him, her heart racing and everything about her feeling small. As if she has shrunk several feet and now has to face Hope from her tiny corner of the couch.

Serah swallows and scoots over, edging closer and closer to Hope until they are mere inches apart. Hope blinks, glancing down at her as she looks up at him.

"I'm sorry too," she says, her chest swelling with the words. "I know you're looking out for me. Thank you."

Hope swallows; nods and looks away before his voice betrays him again. Serah smiles and edges out of the chair, snatching the remote and pausing the movie.

"Serah?" Hope asks, tilting his head.

"I've seen this one at least twice." She looks at him, her eyes warm. "And it's getting late."

Hope nods, eyes snapping to the floor. "Do you want me to le-"

"Wanna stay for dinner?"

Hope blinks at her, mouth dropping open as she smiles and punches the air. "I'll take your stunned silence as a yes! Just you wait, I'll be done in no time!" She's out of the room before Hope can speak, and he shakes his head at her bouncy steps.

"Are all girls this crazy?" He runs a hand through his hair before pushing himself off the couch, stretching into a walk before following Serah into the kitchen. He eyes his bag draped on the chair of the table set, thinking of all the science screaming his name.

_Whoever thought it'd be a good idea to put Anatomy as a required course for this degree should be drawn, quartered, and force fed dad's pea soup._

_No mercy for them._

"Stupid biology-human-sciency requirement," Hope grinds out, sitting in the chair.

Serah looks up from the stove and Hope watches in amazement at the dinner already being prepared. He jumps when she clears her throat, laughing a bit. "Sorry! It's just-you always cook so fast."

"You said something about a class though."

Hope shrugs, forcing as much blankness into his face as possible. _Lightning-training, don't fail me now! _"It's nothing really. It won't take me more than an hour."

_If dreams were real!_

"I don't believe you." She says it in such a plain way that Hope's mouth drops. His eyes widen, then narrow; he snaps his jaw shut just as quickly, but the damage has already been done. "I don't want you falling behind in school because you're hanging out with me, Hope. That's not fair to you."

"But I'm not falling behind." Hope sighs, glancing at his bag and pulling out the textbook. Serah looks as well, turning back to the pot and stirring the contents. Vegetables bubble and bob in the broth, but Serah's eyes travel to Hope as he leans over the textbook, a scowl on his face. He props his leg and stares harder, eyes narrowing into slits as he bores into the pages. Serah turns and stirs and watches him, until the smell of cooked vegetables is filling the air, and Hope has made no effort to turn the page.

Serah turns the burner off and heads for Hope, peeking at the book from behind him. "So, what are you studying?"

"Anatomy," Hope mumbles, holding back a sigh. He folds the corner of the textbook, pouting. "It's evil."

"If you want, I could-"

Hope's eyes widen and he shakes his head, snapping the book shut and smiling. "No way! Besides, dinner's done, and it's rude to read at the table." Serah glares at him, crossing her arms, but Hope just shoves the book back into his bag. "I'm sure I'll get the hang of it if I just keep studying. Really, don't get so worried about it." His words are filled with nervous chuckles and pauses, and he turns from her, eying the pot.

"That smells really good! I can make the bowls if you want." Hope stands from his chair before Serah can protest, and she rolls her eyes and flops into his chair. Hope casts a glance at her and his backpack before shuffling in the cabinets.

Serah's eyes zone in on Hope's bag as clattering bowls hit the counter. She slowly reaches inside the open maw of the bag and pulls out the textbook, gaze lingering on the skeleton on the front cover. She easily picks out Hope's bookmark and flips through the pages, even as Hope pours the soup into each of their bowls.

She lingers on a picture of the human skull. "Occipital, frontal-"

"Serah!" She jumps, the textbook landing on the floor with a loud thud. Serah presses a hand to her heart, glaring at Hope.

"Don't do that!" She shakes her head. Hope's shoulders bunch and he swears.

"What do you expect when you just-just go through my stuff like that. That's so not cool." Hopes' voice quiets and Serah's cheeks flush. She refuses to look at him, staring at a stain on the table instead.

Hope places the bowl in front of her before sitting opposite her, propping an elbow on the table and swirling the contents of the bowl.

Serah watches him from behind her bangs. Swallows. Hope's not looking at her now, still fuming at the invasion, but his face slowly relaxes and he just stares into the bowl. _How many bones are supposed to be in the hand again? _Hope shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. _And what about the whole arm? How am I supposed to name them if I can't even remember how many are there?_

"Hope?" He glances up at her, his own silver curtain of hair hiding his eyes. Serah pauses, biting her lip. "It-it's rude...to put your elbow on the table. And-and play with your food."

Hope's jaw falls and chest swells. "Well, it's rude to look through people's things too!"

Serah's eyes don't even flicker, and the fire in Hope's chest cools. He tilts his head, unsure of what to say. _Am I missing something here?_

"It's rude not to ask for help," Serah says, her voice slow. Hope's eyes widen and he swallows. "It's rude to think that just because I need help, that I can't help you."

Hope bites his lips, shoulders rising as he takes several deep breaths. He slowly moves his gaze to the bag sitting on the floor, then to Serah.

"I'm sorry I looked," Serah says, eyes softening. "It is yours. I shouldn't have. But, I want you to let me help you. After everything you've done for me, studying with you hardly compares."

Hope pushes his spoon along the bowl's ridge. "Hanging out with you isn't-isn't hard or anything. I'd be having trouble with this, even if I was at home. Don't...don't think being with you is a chore, or charity, or anything like that." Hope finally meets her eyes, and Serah gasps at the look. Narrowed green, determined and burning, and pointed right at her.

"It's not. And could never be."

Hope's cheeks redden and he looks back down before Serah can say a word. He starts shoveling the food into his mouth, sputtering at the heat hitting his throat but swallowing all the same. Serah watches him as she carefully brings the food to her mouth.

Eating is a silent affair, and when Serah stands and collects the bowls, Hope's eyes follow her.

"I guess," he says, heart skipping. "I guess, since we're not eating, and if-if you really don't mind, I could use some-some help-" Hope groans and shoves his face into his hand. "Can you help me study? I suck at this crap."

Serah giggles, shaking her head and pulling a chair close to Hope. Hope tenses at how close she is; their shoulders bump when she reaches for his bag, and her hair brushes his face when she sets the book on the table.

"Believe it or not, I'm actually pretty good with this type of thing," Serah says, smiling. "Before Snow and I were engaged, I was going to go to Eden!"

Hope's eyes bug. "No way! That place was crazy hard to get into."

Serah hums, kicking her feet under the table. "No lie. But then, everything happened all at once." Both her and Hope's eyes darkened, but Serah managed another smile. "Besides, it's hard to go to a university when your old home gets crystallized."

Hope nods, folding his arms. "You probably couldn't pick anything up. It's be all attached to the desk or something." He pauses, casting a sideways glance at her. "Why didn't-I mean, afterward, why didn't you-"

Hope watches Serah's entire body stiffen, and he backpedals. "Never mind. Besides, you need to help me study. Not reminisce."

Serah looks at him, nodding. "Thanks."

Hope tilts his head again, pretending he doesn't know why she's said it.

And notes to never bring it up again.

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><p>"What do you mean you haven't talked to her for the past few weeks?" Serah throws her arms in the air as they enter her house. Hope trails behind her, head bowed and bright red blush burning across his cheeks.<p>

"Don't say it like that, it makes it sounds like I'm avoiding her."

"Of course it does! You are avoiding her," Serah shrieks. She throws her car keys onto the end table near the door, pulling Hope into the living room.

"I mean, what was so bad that you would-"

"I confessed to her, okay?" Serah jumps and Hope looks away, his entire body flushing. "I-I asked her over, we talked, and-and I told her I had a crush on her." Hope ran a hand through his hair, pressing his bangs down in an effort to hide his eyes. "I mean, I said how I was technically old enough, and that I always looked up to her, and how pretty she was and everything. And-and..."

Hope groans, pressing both hands to his face. "She just stared at me, okay? For like," Hope threw his arms down, eyes searching for a number, "Like-ten whole minutes or something. And then she gets up and leaves without another word! If that doesn't say rejection, I don't know what does."

Hope stops at the wide-eyed, jaw-slacked stare Serah gives him. He opens and closes his mouth, before moaning and tearing for the kitchen. "I can't believe I just told you all that. I-I-" Hope pauses at Serah's fridge and whips it open, taking out several slices of yellow cheese, a bottle of chocolate milk, strawberries, and chocolate syrup. "I'm drowning my sorrows in your dairy and fruit products. Please don't disturb me," Hope calls before throwing himself at the table and ripping open the strawberries.

Serah still stands dumbfounded at the doorway, although her hand stifles a giggle at Hope's outburst. _That is so not what he needs right now..._

Serah starts toward her kitchen, peeking around to see Hope stuffing several pieces of cheese in his mouth and gulping down the chocolate milk. _I just bought those things, Hope! _Serah sighs, making a mental list of things to get at the grocer tomorrow.

She slips into the kitchen, raising an eyebrow at Hope's bag as it slides down his arm. Hope doesn't even pause with his eating, only glancing at her as he pops a strawberry in his mouth.

"Hope...I know my sister can be difficult and hard to read." Serah blinks when Hope takes the chocolate syrup and just starts squeezing the bottle, letting the chocolate goo pool in his mouth before setting three strawberries in his mouth and snapping his jaw shut. "I know you know. You've been with her for years. She-she trained-"

Serah slaps a hand to her forehead and snatches the food from Hope, pushing it to her end of the table. "I can't talk to you when you eat like that."

"And I can't talk to you when I'm flashbacking to one of the most humiliating things I've ever done!" Hope reaches for the chocolate syrup, but Serah pulls it out of his reach.

"Hope," Serah says, narrowing her eyes.

"Give it back." He rolls his chin on the table, his eyes bulging and shining at her.

_U-uh-that's so not going to work here! No puppy-eye tricks from you!_

"Hope."

"Please?"

"Hope-"

"I just want to feel better..."

Serah lowers her head until she is eye level with him. Hope's eyes lock on hers and she nods.

"I know that Lightning can be a difficult person. But she didn't say she didn't-"

"As I said, when you walk out without saying anything," Hope starts, his voice a growl.

"Fine! So she rejected you. That doesn't mean you can't still be her friend." Serah straightens up, huffing. "I mean, come on, Hope! You are _way _more mature than that, and I know-"

"I'm not _not_ talking to her because I don't-because I'm mad she said no." Hope's voice was small. Tiny. And Serah almost swears he shrinks as he says it.

"Then...why?" Serah tilts her head to the side, but Hope doesn't look up at her.

"I-I'm afraid she hates me," Hope whispers, and Serah almost doesn't catch it. "I mean, I messed everything up by saying that. I-I get that I'm not good enough. I was expecting that, but I thought...thought I should still at least try. But that was the worst thing that could have happened." Hope sits up from the table, but his chin stays bowed to his chest.

"I think I ruined it, by saying those things. I wish I hadn't. I'm so scared-I mean, she-she-" Hope's eyes scrunch up and he shakes his head, rubbing his chest. "I don't know. I can accept her not loving me, but I don't want her to hate me. I don't think I can take something like that."

Hope jumps when Serah's hands grab his, turning him around to face her. She kneels on the floor, her eyes soft and sad. "Is that really it?" She shakes her head, chuckling. "Hope, I don't know if you've noticed, but when my sister looks at you, she has the warmest look I've ever seen on her."

Hope swallows, looking to the side, but Serah yanks his hands. His eyes snap back to her.

"Don't. Don't look away. You need to hear this. And I need to know you hear it." Serah takes a deep breath. "You've made my sister happy in ways I don't think anyone else could ever have hoped for. Not even me. You're like...a son to her." Serah sees the brief disappointment flash in Hope's eyes, before his fingers relax in hers. "And I am so, so, grateful for what you've done. And I know, that even if she doesn't say it, she is too."

"Serah," Hope mumbles, gulping a bit.

"It is absolutely, cosmically, physically, psychologically, and every other -ly impossible for my sister to hate you." Serah wraps her arms around him, and she smiles at his soft, calm breaths. "Don't you ever forget that."

Hope and Serah sway for several minutes, Serah waiting for the words to really sink in. When Hope returns her embrace she chuckles and Hope laughs, and they feel the vibrations between their chests. She pulls away and sees his eyes are a little red and he's sniffling, but the grin on his face makes her shoulders relax.

"Better?" she asks, standing up.

"A lot." He bits his lip, glancing up at her. "But-but how should I..."

"Let me think about it for a while. I think I may need to talk to Lightning too. But for now." Serah reaches for his bag and pulls it off. Grabbing his hand again, she leads him to the bathroom.

"Wash your sticky little fingers, Estheim! I'll go clean up your mess."

She marches off, but she lingers on his other words. _"I'm not good enough."_

_He said it so absolutely. Like it's a fact or something._

Meanwhile, Hope blinks as he glances at the white sink. Smiles.

Lets go of the pain in his chest.


	3. Warmth and Comfort

**I am sorry for how long overdue this is. Things got hectic, I got lazy, and life happens. Nothing to do but to post and keep moving forward. On the plus side, the chapter is long and detailed. I hope everyone enjoys reading it. **

**And this time I will actually reply to reviews. I am so sorry about that.**

**Thank you for reading.**

* * *

><p>Serah is waiting by her car when it happens.<p>

She doesn't know why or how. She is simply watching for Hope to emerge from within the campus building. She had promised another study session, complete with snacks and dinner, as he studied and worried over the looming midterm concerning anatomy. Her mind buzzed with old study techniques she had used: flash cards, the ten minute exercises, word association, and studying an hour before bed. Her eyes spot the flash of silver hair and she pushes away from her car, smiling at his approach.

Seeing him surrounded by friends makes her stomach clench. He is in the middle of three others, shoving away the hands of a brown-haired, bright blue-eyed boy, who sticks his tongue out at Hope. The others snicker, clapping Hope on the shoulders. The tallest even hands him notes. The two depart, but the other, "Noel!" Hope screams when the boy grabs onto his back, is still hanging off of him.

"What's the matter? You mad you got yelled at too?" Noel asks, snickering.

"Well, she wouldn't have yelled at me at all if you hadn't glommed on me at the last second!"

"But someone has to liven you up, Hope!" Noel jumps away at the smack Hope sends, chuckling. "How about I buy you coffee tomorrow as a make-up present? The world knows you need it."

"With extra flipping cream." Hope snorts, looking away and winking at Serah. "Sorry about him. He's kind of..." Hope rolls his hand, not quite sure what to call Noel. "I guess pest is the nicest way to say it."

"I'm no pest! I'm helping you too, aren't I?" Noel turns to her, and Serah's eyes widen. Her heart flutters and her mind reels to keep up. She's backpedaling before the conversation even starts, and sweat starts beading at her neck. "Between the two of us, we'll make sure this idiot passes the exam. Right, Miss Serah?"

"Idiot? This is the only class you do better than me!" Hope snarls, but it is ruined when he turns his face away from Noel and smiles. Hope's gaze catches Serah's and she watches his eyes widen a fraction. He glances at the car, swallowing before opening it up and throwing his things inside. "But we gotta get going, Noel. I think I forgot something at home, Serah!"

"Whatever, just try to get some studying done while you're at it! Pleased to meet you, Miss Serah!"

Noel waves and scampers off without so much as a word from Serah. Her head spins and she struggles to open her car door. The back of her eyes burn and her heart chills. The iciness starts to spread down her front, freezing her ribs one by one before pooling in puddles inside her stomach. She slips into the front seat and starts the car, but everything is distant.

She is spiraling, and she does not know why.

"Serah, what's wrong?"

The worry is evident in Hope's voice. He sees her spiraling too and does not know why.

She wishes she could tell him, but the reasons won't come to her.

"Serah, please, you're freaking me out." Serah goes to pull out but Hope grabs her hand. He shakes his head, eyes warm but firm. "You're shaking all over. Didn't you notice?" She looks down at her hands, blinking when she sees that he's right. Her fingertips tremble at the steering wheel and the cold trickles to her legs. When she breathes, she is shocked to find she can't see her breath. "Serah, please-"

Hope stops, gasping when he sees the first few tears rolling down her cheeks. Serah swears and Hope flinches at the words, mouth dropping open. A laugh bubbles in her chest, but it's squashed by another wave of unbearable, billowing cold.

"No, no, no, what did I do? What happened? Is it something else? Please, Serah, I can't help you if you don't talk to me." He pries her hand off the steering wheel, cupping her hands in his, and she blinks at how warm they are, and how easily he holds her. "Please," he whispers. He is so close and so warm that his breath brings life back to her face. Her cheeks are as hot as her eyes, and she gulps air.

_This can't be happening, this can't be happening. Why? Why am I-_

"Serah, let me drive you home," Hope says, reaching for the keys. "Forget the study session, we need to make sure you're okay."

_Why is this..._

The boys with Hope. Noel, promising him coffee. Swearing to meet and hang out and do things. Hope smiling and laughing with others.

He is so close and warm. But he is separate too. Far away. In a different world than her own, small one, and the thought is chilling.

_Oh...oh..._

She brings a hand to her mouth at her realization. Tries to drive it off by shaking her head, only making Hope worry more, his hands hovering over her shoulders. She doesn't hear his pleas to tell him what's wrong, so intent to drive off the image of him laughing with others. Talking with others.

Living with others.

_He...even though-even though he's alone at home, he still has something out here. College. Teachers. Friends. He has a life, despite his loneliness. _

_But what do I have?_

_What do I have? _

"Please, tell me what I can do, Serah. Please stop crying." Hope hugs her, squeezing the life out of her and breaking ribs. She's sure because they crack in his grip.

_Or maybe that's just me, _she muses, holding back a sob.

_All I have is this boy. All I have is this boy's life. And I am stealing it away and it's still not enough. It's not enough. _

_I'm with this person, but I'm still all alone._

"I'm sorry," Serah chokes out, biting her lip to stop the cries fighting to escape her. "I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I know I'm being selfish. I know I am. But-but I can't stand it. I can't stand it, so I need you around. But it's unfair. It's unfair. And I saw-saw that and I don't know what to do anymore, Hope. I don't know what to do, and I-I don't want to get in the way. I don't want to get in the way of your life. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Serah gasps for air, the words spilling out with her cries as Hope shakes his head and shushes her. She feels the panic in his movements, his entire body trembling with both her own quakes and his own fear. "Serah, don't say such ridiculous things." His voice is hard and he shakes his head again, hair falling over his eyes. "We need to switch seats."

"Wh-wha-"

"I'm driving." Hope pulls away from her before she can protest, only to open the door on the her side and drag her out of the driver's seat. He leads her to the passenger side and eases her in, snatching the keys from her shaking hands. "Don't worry, I won't crash your car. Cycles and cars are way different."

"Nn...what? What?" Serah groans, sniffling and pressing her hand to her throbbing head. Her hand fumbles with the seatbelt as Hope joins her on the driver's side, starting the car and checking all the mirrors.

"And if I do wreck it, I'll be sure to pay the bill," Hope says, glancing at her and offering a shaky smile. "So relax."

Serah can only hiccup as he pulls away from the college, burying her face in her hands and breathing hard between the fingers.

_I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm losing it like this. Pathetic! Pathetic! What would Lightning do if she saw me like this, all weak and stupid and crying? She'd probably kick someone's ass, that's what. But who? I wouldn't be able to tell her, "Oh, I'm crying because I'm lonely." She can't kick my loneliness' ass! She'd try, but I don't think-_

Serah moans and tries to bring her knees up to her chest, an impossible task between her shoes and thick coat. Her legs and feet keep slipping from the seat, and she nearly cries in frustration.

_And poor Hope! What must he be thinking, seeing me like this? And why? Because-because I'm jealous of his friends? Jealous he has a life? Something stupid and petty like that? It's not like I'm twelve anymore. _She sobs, rubbing her too hot face. _I've handled way worse before. What about when I was little? When mom and dad were gone and Lightning had to work all the time?_

_Have I really gotten so weak?_

"Just wait here a second, okay, Serah?" Serah jumps when Hope's hand brushes her shoulder, but he's gone before she can say anything. She swipes at her eyes and blinks up at his house, watching him dash inside. Her shoulders sag and she coughs, phlegm and tears churning in her throat.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles to herself. She glances at the wheel, reaching for it only to stop when she sees the keys are gone. "Wh-why'd he take my keys? I-I need to get going..."

"Because I didn't want you to drive off."

She squeaks, hands flying up when his head pops at the window. Hope smiles again, shaking his head and letting himself back in. "See, you're kind of fragile right now, so I didn't want you running off."

"W-who said I was running off?" Serah looks away, glaring halfheartedly as the house. "Maybe I just want to-to do a better parking job!"

"Because, when I'm bawling my eyes out, and there are people around, I tend to run off," Hope says, ignoring the jab at his parking abilities. Serah's mouth drops at the admission, her eyes darting to Hope as he settles back into the seat. "Like when Lightning saw me when we were traveling on Gran Pulse? I ran like hell, trying to wipe my eyes dry. She caught me, of course, and I felt like shit."

Hope's eyes mist over at the memory. "I don't even remember what it was about, but I knew I didn't want your sister to see me like that. So I ran. She gave me a really long lecture afterward about doing that, but she knew why I'd done it."

Hope's eyes meet hers and she's lost in them. They are penetrating and knowing and far, far older than a young man's eyes should be. "I didn't want to seem weak in front of the people I wanted respect from. Admiration. Pride. Approval." He ticks them off his fingers, a small smile on his face. "And I figured if they saw me crying, they'd never, ever see or feel those things for me."

Serah's heart clenches and she squirms. His words strike too true and she yearns to escape the small confines of the car. The truth is too real for her, but he keeps going despite her obvious discomfort.

And because of it.

"But, seeing you, I think I get what Lightning meant that time. What the lecture was supposed to mean." He smiles and grabs her hand, and she's startled again by how warm it is. "This isn't weakness. And being near the people who can help; showing them you need help. That isn't weakness either. It shows you love and admire them enough for them to see you at your lowest, so that they can help you." His hand reaches for her cheek, rubbing away a tear stain. "This is a sign of respect."

Serah's eyes well with fresh tears, but she chokes them back. "How do-do you do that?" She rubs her nose, taking a long and shuddering breath. "How do you always know what to say to me?"

Hope shrugs, grabbing her hand again. "If I always knew what to say to you, I would have thought of that right away. Not while I was digging in my couch for my wallet."

Serah tilts her head to the side and Hope grins, pulling out the thin, black wallet. "Well, you see, I'm going to need money to take you out to dinner. And maybe the movies. Or the park? Which sounds more like the cliché date destination to you?"

Serah's eyes widen, a hand flying to her mouth. "Hope, you can't be serious."

"Of course I am! How else am I supposed to show you a good time? I mean, I know my house is pretty on the outside, but trust me, that's where it ends."

"You know what I mean!" Serah pinches the bridge of her nose. "We're supposed to help you prepare for that exam, not go out and have a-a-"

"A good time. I know. I wanted to spend time studying myself, but you know, there's just something about _not_ studying that sounds appealing too." Hope places the wallet back, humming to himself. "Besides, I have your keys. And the money. And a hostage." His eyes shift to her, a smirk on his face. "I'm afraid you've been kidnapped. Have as much fun as possible and nobody gets hurt."

Serah chuckles, but tries to hold back, snorting instead. Hope grins wider, buckling back up and starting the car. "I'll take that as a noise of approval. Now, where do you want to go first?"

Serah sighs, rubbing beneath her eyes and glancing out the window. "Well, I know this really nice sushi place..."

* * *

><p>"Hope," Serah whispers, flinching at the brightness of the large screen in the dark theater. "Hope, are you scared or something?"<p>

Hope swallows, shaking his head but sinking into the soft, velvet seat. "No way! I've faced way worse than that before-Ah!" A roar rumbles through the theater, shaking the cores of its inhabitants. Several shrieks follow Hope's as a spider lunges from beneath the ground, swiping a long, furry leg at the nearest person. There's another roar and the spider sinks its fangs into a hapless woman, making her scream as blood spurts from the wound on her neck.

"Holy crap," Hope mutters, gripping his popcorn bucket. "I'm killing every spider I see from now on."

Serah chuckles, narrowing her eyes. "I didn't think you'd get this jumpy. Maybe we should have seen that dog movie after all."

"No. I know what happens. I know I'll cry. I'd rather piss my pants than see that movie." A second spider falls from the trees, landing on the first spider and crushing several legs. Green blood spurts from the mangled limb, spraying the dead and alive alike with green, bubbling blood. "Oh my-"

"I think you'll get your wish," Serah whispers, jumping herself when someone shushes her. She waves apologetically at the man before turning back to the screen. Hope's hand creeps toward the rim of the bucket, but his fingers reach in vain with the container half empty. He does not tear his eyes away from the screen, even as a third victim is claimed by the spiders. He winces and shakes his head, squirming in his seat.

Serah watches him, blinking slowly at his constant wiggling.

"Why do you watch if it bothers you?"

"I don't know. It's like this weird pu..." Hope stops when an axe goes flying through the air, landing squarely in one of the spiders' heads. Serah stifles a giggle at his awed face, relaxing and leaning tiredly on his arm. Her stomach is full to bursting after pigging out at the sushi restaurant, and the food blasts exhaustion through her. The darkness of the theater doesn't help, and Hope's body heat acts like a blanket.

_I can't believe I'm here, watching this bloody movie with Hope, after just crying my eyes out a few hours ago. _She smiles, shoulders sagging. _Sure knows how to cheer you up though. _She winds her arms around him, sighing again as he eyes droop.

For the first time since the movie began, Hope pulls his eyes away and looks down on Serah's tired and lined face. He swallows, and she blinks at the concern in his voice. "You want to clear out early? You look ready to pass out."

Serah shakes her head, suppressing a yawn that makes tears prick her eyes. "Don't you wanna finish?"

Hope blinks, glancing at the screen as yet a third spider pops out of nowhere, throwing two legs into the air as if to shriek. "I think I can handle not seeing the rest. If I want blood and gore, I'll just dare Snow to hold Lightning's hand or something."

"Don't do that! Sending my husband to his death!" Serah swats him as he pulls her up, but there is no true vigor behind it. She sways on standing and Hope steadies her, his breath hitching. "I'm fine," she mumbles. "Just tired."

He nods, but his eyes stay trained on her as he leads the way out, scooping up her purse but leaving the popcorn. Serah stares at her feet, eyes focusing on the lights that mean to lead them out, until the light of the door blinds her. Movie patrons hiss at them as the door closes, and Serah fights a chuckle.

"I mean it, you know," Serah says as start down the long, red carpet hall. "Don't kill my husband."

"I won't, I won't." Serah turns away to glimpse a poster before she can see Hope's eyes darken, and a brief sneer flashes on his lips. They make their way out of the building, the cold air hitting them like whips once they step onto the streets. Hope steers her toward the car, and Serah does not argue when he ushers her into the passenger seat. Her muscles are liquid and she flops inside.

"So," Hope says as he joins her in the car. "Feel any better?"

Serah blinks, then blinks again, stretching out her arms and buckling herself. "Yes...yes, I think this was what I needed. To get out of-of-"

"Routine?" He smiles easily, nodding his head as he starts the car. "I think that has a lot to do with some of this. You're always in that house or helping me. Of course we'd need to branch out. I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner." He lowers his eyes, and she sees shame and guilt mar his face. The sight tightens her heart, anger bubbling in her stomach.

Serah sits straighter, her eyes narrowing. "Why are you sorry?"

Hope gulps, eyes flickering from her to the road. "For not noticing this sooner. I should have realized that this...I mean, that just helping me wouldn't be enough. It was stupid of me to think it would-I don't know if I really did. I mean, sure, at first it was us hanging out but then-"

"Hope."

He bites his lip, tightening his grip on the wheel. "Yes?"

"Do not think, for one second, that any of my problems are your fault." Her voice is unnaturally hard, and Hope tenses with every word she grinds out. "You have been nothing but helpful and supportive since day one, and what do I do? Cry the second I realize you have a life outside of me, which was evident from the beginning!" She shakes her head and Hope looks at her in alarm.

"Serah, no, this-"

"I am the one at fault for this. I am the one who-who-coops herself up in her house and cooks and cleans and reads and waits for someone to come along and sweep her up on her feet. Like tonight!" Hope shoulders hitch but Serah misses the jerking motion, or the car slowing down and stopping on the side of the road. Her words are spilling out with hasty anger, voice straining to keep calm.

"I mean, really! This worked out so well the last time too, this whole 'damsel in distress' thing. I had to sit around and wait for Snow and my sister to come and save me and look at what that got us." Serah's voice drops and her eyes lower, dark and sad. She clenches and unclenches her hands, sighing. "I'm always waiting for someone to come around and save me. I'm never willing to do something-I just wait and let it get worse and worse and worse."

"Serah, stop."

Serah growls, whipping her head around. "No, Hope, I won't. Because it's the truth. And it sucks that it's true, but that doesn't stop-" Hope slams his hands on the steering wheel, hitting the horn and sending a long, loud beep through the air. Serah jumps at the noise, clutching her heart and blinking fast.

"Will. You. Stop." Hope hides his eyes behind his bangs, afraid of showing her his anger. Or anything else that might be hiding there, if the burn in his eyes means anything. "I get it. I get, okay? And sure, maybe there are some things that you could fix," Serah opens her mouth but Hope cuts across her, "like everyone else. But you know what? You still have a really skewed idea of the truth."

"What?"

He finally turns to her, and she bites her mouth at how hard his eyes are. The green eyes turn to glass, and Serah's heart clenches. Pain flits across his face, but his cheeks flare red and his voice rises. "I mean, I know how you feel. I know that you-you have this idea in your head that this is all your fault." Hope waves his hands before letting them fall on the steering wheel. He grits teeth. "But you never stopped and thought that maybe it's not just you. Maybe it's the people around you who are supposed to notice these things."

Hope growls when she opens her mouth, prompting it to snap shut. "I could have noticed. I should have. But no, it took me a lot longer to see, to figure out, that you'd need more help than what I was giving. And you know what? Lightning should have noticed something by now too. Maybe she has and she just hasn't told me-we..."

Hope runs his hands through his hair, picking up traction. "No, because if she had seen how bad this whole situation had become, she would have done something. You wouldn't be like this, or at least not this bad."

"H-Hope..." Serah's eyes are burning but she feels the flushing in her face. Blood pounds in her ears as Hope plunges on.

"And you know what else? Snow should have seen it too! I'm pissed off that he hasn't! Because where is he? Where is he right now, Serah? Gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone, _gone_." Hope practically spits it out, face darkening.

"He hardly calls you, hardly takes time off, barely does anything when it comes to you." Hope's voice laces itself with venom and Serah shudders at the acidic burn of his words. "He's too busy being the hero to see that his most precious person is suffering. And no matter what you say, Serah, I will not let that go."

He grabs her by the shoulders, pulling her towards him. "He is not beside you like he should be. There are other ways he could provide for you-ways that would let you be closer. Ways that wouldn't leave you stuck here, in the middle of the night, getting a lecture from a college student!"

Hope's grip tenses and Serah's heart skips. "So, please, get this through your head. You are responsible for some of this. It is your life, and that's all there is to it. But you know what? There are people around you, or people close to you, that are going to affect some of the outcomes of your life. That are going to change it and warp it or brighten it up, and there won't be much you can do about it." His eyes scrunch up and Serah chokes at his misted eyes. "Being a l'Cie taught me that. Taught us all that. And I thought it'd taught you that too."

The last words are a whisper, as if Serah was not meant to hear, but she catches them by leaning next to his mouth. He jerks away when her breath hits his face, and he looks out the window, fidgeting in his seat.

A loud silence thunders within the car. The engine and Hope's constant clasping and unclasping of his hands are the only noises. Serah's mind has fizzled and all she can do is stare at Hope, who makes it a point to look anywhere but her.

Serah takes a deep breath, choking at a loose sob, and Hope springs into action the second he hears the strangled sound. "I am so sorry! So, so sorry. I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I am such an idiot. I'm sorry, I-"

Serah shakes her head, grabbing Hope's head and jerking him towards her. Traces of anger still line his face and eyes, but she sees him sinking into guilt. Her heart flips and clenches at the same time, and she mumbles, "No. No, don't do that."

"Serah," Hope says, voice quiet.

"You...you're the only one, I think. Except-except sis, you're the only one willing to-to yell at me, or tell me when I'm being stupid. Or when I need to think things through." Serah licks her lips, trying to find the right words. A stray tear rolls down her cheek and she hisses, wiping it away. "Don't be sorry for that. For this. Don't ever be sorry. You-you treat like-like more than just a doll or something."

Her hands squeeze his and she shudders. "I need that. I need you to keep treating me like a person, and not some fragile little thing." She takes a long, deep breath, bowing her head and slumping. Hope's hands are loose in hers and she feels him lean toward her. She doesn't tense, smiling when he rests his cheek on her head.

"Even when you're crying?" Hope whispers, rubbing her hands. "Even when you _are_ fragile?"

"Yes. Maybe-maybe, especially then." Serah slowly pulls away, locking eyes with Hope. "But, for now, let's just head to my house." Hope blinks at the switch in topic, but Serah returns to her seat and sinks into the chair, fumbling with the buckle. Exhaustion seeps into her muscles and her eyes can barely stay open. "I'll think about what you said. But for now..."

"Of course." Serah closes her eyes when Hope starts driving, sighing when they pulls away. She tries to fight the doze that settles in her, reaching for Hope's coat and gripping it in her hand. Her smiles a bit, chuckling.

"And thank you for the wonderful night."

* * *

><p>Hope pulls up to Serah's house, setting the car in park and wincing when the light turns on above his head. He glances at the digital clock, cursing at the time. <em>One a.m., huh? Good thing it's the weekend.<em>

His eyes move to Serah, look softening when he sees her sleeping. Her head rests on the car window, breath fogging the glass. Her eyes are puffy and red, and he can still see the tear stains on her cheeks.

_Wonderful night...yeah, not sure if she can call it that. _Hope smiles though, remembering the dinner and movie he had promised her. _It was still fun though. Maybe...ugh, I can't-can't think right now. Too confusing. And I yelled at her! I can't believe I did that._

_Lightning is going to kill me when she finds out._

Pausing when he remembers Serah's own words, he bites his lip and slips out of the car, hurrying over to Serah's side. He opens the door and presses one arm to her side, reaching to unbuckle her and catching her as she starts to fall from the seat.

He holds his breath, waiting for her to wake up, but she doesn't even flinch. Eyes narrowing in worry, he scoops her in his arms and holds her close to his chest, swallowing hard. "Sorry...but, I need-" He stops himself, shaking his head. _Let her sleep. Just get her to her room, lock up for the night, and start the walk home. _

Nodding to himself, Hope closes the door with his butt and locks it up. Shifting Serah in his arms, he slowly makes his way inside the house. He fumbles with the door but manages to get inside, only to sigh when darkness swallows him up.

"How is it darker in here than outside?" He tightens his hold on Serah and tiptoes through the house, stopping and starting several times as he moves one foot ahead to check that he'd not about to hit something. Serah remains asleep in his arms, although he feels her twisting a bit. He freezes, heat blooming in the back of his neck when she pushes her face to his chest.

Holding his breath until he's sure he's clear, Hope begins the trek again, grinning when he reaches Serah's room. He recognizes the the lumpy shadow of the queen-sized bed and gently places Serah on the mattress. Hope pauses, looking her up and down before easing the covers from underneath her and tucking her inside.

"Goodnight, Serah," Hope whispers, running his fingers through her hair before turning tail.

"Wait."

Hope's heart flies to his throat and he chokes. He feels a soft tug on his coat and looks down at Serah's outstretched hand. Her eyes are half open, sleep fogging her gaze.

"Serah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Thank you for carrying me." Her words are heavy and slurred, and he sees her shake her head in a vain attempt to fight sleep. "And tucking me in."

"It was nothing, Serah," Hope says. He relaxes, grabbing her hand. "Just get some sleep."

"What time is it?"

Hope tilts his head. "Like, one. Why?"

"It's dark then, right? And really late. And you must be tired." She closes her eyes and Hope almost pulls away, but her grip moves to his hand. Her fingers curl tight around his fingers. "And I can't drive you home. So...so...mmm."

"Serah?"

"Stay the night." Serah nods, yanking him forward. Hope's eyes widen and his heart lodges itself in his throat again. All he can manage is a few choked noises as Serah slides across the bed and pulls Hope in, throwing the coves over them in one swift move.

"S-S-S-" Hope swallows, coherent thoughts gone.

"Couch is hard." Serah turns, cuddling with a bunched bit of the blanket. "Bed is better."

"B-b-but you're here too!"

"Sleepover." Her tone is final, but Hope still begins to inch out of the bed. She sighs, turning over and grabbing him by the arm. "Stay," she mumbles, holding his arm to her chest. "Don't wanna be alone right now."

Hope tenses, body heating all over and mind reeling at her words and actions. He tries to glance back at her, but all he can manage is a glimpse of her hair before his neck cracks at the strain. Her grip is strong though, and he can't shake the image of her red eyes or tear-stained cheeks.

So he sighs and resigns himself to a restless night.


	4. Mistakes

**I have been very busy with my writing lately, but I have finally edited the next chapter of this story. I want to thank everyone who has stuck by me, and to those who have read my other stories, to know that I will be replying soon. I've been dying to get this out there, so it's been a bit of a whirlwind. But I will thank all of you!**

**I'd also like to extend a special thanks to the anonymous reviewers who have been leaving so many reviews recently. I really appreciate knowing what you all think of my work, and I'm glad you take the time to comment.**

**Signed reviewers, I love you bunches too, but I can tell you so in a pm.**

**And as a bit of self-plugging that I hope you all can stand, I would appreciate it that if anyone has the time to check out my one-shots _Shaken Sangfroid _and _Avoidance._ Thank you for even listening to me though!**

**Sorry**** for the rather long note. Please enjoy the next chapter, and thank you to all who read, comment, review, favorite, alert, etc. **

* * *

><p>Hope sighs and leans against his own couch, mind buzzing from the other night. His eyes are tired and burn, dark, purple rings stamped beneath them. Last night he succeeded in memorizing the ceiling tiles of Serah's bedroom, <em>482<em>, counting to one thousand three times, five hundred five times, and to one hundred too many times. Because every light touch, breath near his neck, or slightest shift in the bed had made his heart skip and it really was impossible to get any sleep at all.

And the second light hit and he was sure she wouldn't wake, he'd beat feet to his own house. He still shudders at how he must have looked, running out of Serah's house while hastily throwing his shoes on.

Rubbing at his eyes, he leans over and pulls a textbook toward him. He reads the words, but the letters blur and mash together on the page. Hope's already halfway down the page when he realizes he has no clue what subject the book is on, let alone what he's just read. The clock chimes noon and he glances at his phone, wondering why Serah hasn't texted, called, or beat down his door.

_Maybe she was lying when she said she wasn't mad? No...no, she was too serious. Something came up? Or maybe she remembered everything about last night. _

Everything.

_I'm not sure I'd be able to call her either, now that I think about it. _

Knocking at his door startles him and he coughs in a yelp, shoving his textbook into the couch and rushing for the door. Taking several deep breaths and smoothing his unruly hair, he opens the door.

"Hey, Serah. I was wondering if you-" Hope's mouth stops mid-sentence, hanging open as cold, icy death looms over his shoulder.

Lightning Farron stands at his door.

_It was a nice life, I suppose. I have a lot of good memories. Dying young isn't so bad either. _

"Hope, stop with that look. I'm not going to kill you." Lightning's eyebrows twitch at the insinuation and Hope flushes. He barely meets her cool blue eyes, a stark contrast to the warm oceans he'd been spending so much time with. The whisper of longing that starts in the back of his mind is drowned by the oncoming storm of fear.

"N-no! Of course you wouldn't." _Until you heard about what happened last night._

"Can I come in, or do you want to have this conversation at your doorstop?" Hope jumps and looks at his house, then Lightning, his house, Lightning, his house-

"Hope, please. No panic attacks. I really won't hurt you." Her fingers find his head and she ruffles his hair, smiling. "I just want to talk." The storm dims and he briefly closes his eyes at the contact.

Swallowing down a growing lump, he nods and smiles, leading her inside. "Of course, Light." He steps aside, heart pounding as she surveys his living room. His coat lays strewn across the beige carpet, his wallet several feet away. Papers from school litter the lone two-seater couch in the room, and the coffee table in front of it holds empty pop cans, pencils, wads of tissues, and a wide assortment of other junk.

In other words, Hope was not expecting Lightning's company.

"I guess you're fine with Serah seeing this," Lightning quips, smirking. "But from how pale you've gotten, not me?"

Hope shakes his head, unsure of which answer would offend her more. He reaches for the safest thought, rushing it out, "N-no! It's just-I've been so busy studying and-and hanging out that it's just been hard to sort of keep up with it all."

Lightning's eyes soften. "Relax, Hope. Let's sit." She grabs his arm and leads him to his own couch, raising an eyebrow at how stiff he is. She runs a hand through her hair, looking at the table. "I guess I can understand why you're like this. Our last meeting didn't go so well. And work has been...well, an excuse not to see you, more than anything."

Hope's eyes darken and he looks at his feet, nodding. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just blurted something like that out." He doesn't notice her wring her hands, his own heart growing heavy in his chest.

"And I'm sorry for how I handled it." He feels her eyes on him but cannot bring himself to look up. He clenches his hands in his lap, flinching when she grabs his chin and pulls his face up. "Look at me." She releases him, taking a deep breath when his eyes remain on her. "I spoke with my sister over the last few days. And I thought it over."

She pauses, the slight delay making Hope';s heart tighten and brace for impact. His breath catches and he barely notices his lungs stop. "And, Hope, I do not feel that sort of love for you."

Hope's balled up heart sinks, although he figured these were always her feelings on the matter. He cannot stop his shoulders from sagging, but she continues, grabbing his hand.

"But do _not _think I don't love you to death. Maybe not the way you want, but you need to know-" She squeezes his hand and he looks into her eyes. Bright blue eyes, both hard and soft and lined with battles and loss. Choppy waves of blue, but no longer the raging hurricane he'd seen when he was younger. "I would give my life for yours. There is no question about that. Clear?"

Warmth tingles down his chest, his heart loosening somewhat. "I know, Light. I know."

They fall into silence, holding hands and breathing together. The clock ticks on and after a while, Lightning speaks again. "I still have to thank you for what you've done for my sister too. You've helped her in ways I couldn't. She's sounded much happier these last few days than she has in months."

"Aw, it's not like it's no fun or something. Don't thank me for something I would have done anyway!" Hope rolls his eyes, ducking when Lightning goes to smack his head. "Don't be mean! Seriously, don't thank me either. It makes it sound like a chore, and it's not!"

Lightning blinks at his darkened cheeks. "I see..."

Hope bites his lip, looking away. "Um...anything else? Or should I make lunch for us-"

"Yes. Work is moving. I'm being positioned in the field in two weeks." Lightning's words stop Hope dead. She lowers her eyes. "I don't know for how long, but it'll be for at least a month. Probably more. I have to oversee the safety of the projects occurring down south of Gran Pulse."

"Lightning," Hope says, eyes searching hers. "I didn't know..." He gapes, trying to find the right words.

Lightning doesn't give him the chance.

"And, in one week, Snow will be coming home. It's a short visit. We're being sent to the same area, so he used my deployment as an excuse to bring himself and his friends here. They're supposed to be my 'escort' or something." She rolls her eyes at the very thought, although her gaze slips back to Hope.

"Serah just heard from Snow as well, so that's why she hasn't talked to you yet. She has to start all these plans to make sure everything is ready for Snow's visit."

Hope's face tightens with each word and his eyes grow as dark as his cheeks. Lightning easily follows the subtle changes, heart clenching when she sees Hope's tranquil fury flash in his face. She sighs, looking toward the ceiling.

"You went to visit her?" Hope asks, voice calm. "Probably to tell her you'd be leaving, huh?"

"Yeah. And to talk." Lightning shrugs, watching Hope from the corner of her eye. "About you and how she has been. About this trip out to Pulse. About Snow." Lightning narrows her eyes. "We talked a lot about Snow."

Hope nods but says nothing. He's managed to relax his face now. His eyes swirl with emotion, the only sign that he is reacting at all, and Lightning watches from the corner of her eye. She inches toward him on the couch and grabs his hand again, smiling when he grasps back. "You're pretty angry, aren't you?"

"After everything that's happened, how couldn't I be?" Hope stares at the floor, tapping his foot. "He's left her alone for so long, and now she's-she's so lonely. And the more I hang out with her, the more obvious it is. She still hasn't talked to him about it either, and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do."

Lightning nods as he speaks, her own chest roaring at Snow's neglect. "I know, Hope. I know how you feel. And trust me, I will talk to him myself. But there's one thing that you have to understand." Hope glances at her, tilting his head. "Even if we want to help her, help either of them, there are some things we're not going to be able to change."

She takes a deep breath, avoiding Hope's blank stare. "We can talk to them until we're all blue in the face, but this is still their marriage. It's still _their_ lives. And if they're not willing to talk to each other, or fix what's going on...then that's it."

"But, Lightning, Serah's so-so down right now. We can't let her just-"

"Hope," she grinds out. He snaps his jaw shut and Lightning eases, shaking her head. "I know. I know that. And don't think I don't want to kick Snow's ass from here to the other side of Pulse, or really let Serah have it for being so passive about all of this. But it is still her life. And I..." Her voice trails and she is silent for so long that Hope wonders if she's lost the thought. Then she let's out a short breath and rises, fisting her hands.

"I won't stand in the way. I'm not going to make the same mistakes again." Her eyes are half-lidded and there's a sag in her shoulders that wasn't there before. The air shifts. Her mouth parts in a silent sigh. "After everything that's happened, all I can do is let her live her life the way she wants to. And be there for her for every step. Every mistake."

She turns to him and holds his eyes, squaring herself. "That's all either of us can do."

Hope blinks. Blinks again. Lowers his eyes to the floor. "Right."

Silence falls again, although it's far stiffer now. Lightning turns to Hope when he stands, watching as he grabs his coat from the floor and pulls it on. "Hope, what are you doing?"

"Well, if all I can do is be with there for her, I'll need to get started, won't I? And winter is coming up fast, so any work she has around the house needs to get done fast. Didn't you freeze your butt off out there?" He grins, rolling his shoulders. "I bet she's swamped right now anyway, so I'd figure I could help her with some of that work. What do you think?"

Lightning gives him a small smile, following him toward the door. "I think she'd appreciate that, Hope." She chuckles when he opens the door and swears, a blast of cold air blasting his face. Hope shudders and shakes himself, rubbing his numbed cheek.

"I hate this weather. I hate this weather. I hate this weather."

He jumps when she grabs him by the shoulders and turns him around. Her eyes are warm and his heart clenches. She kisses him on the forehead before heading out the door, calling over her shoulder, "Hope, don't ever change."

* * *

><p>"How many bones are humans born with, on average?" Serah asks, textbook in one hand and feather duster in the other. She walks to the kitchen, waiting for Hope's answer as he scrubs her sink.<p>

"Three hundred to three hundred and fifty bones."

"Correct!" She swipes the duster at the top of her fridge, sending particles raining down on her. Wrinkling her nose, she asks, "And the average adult?"

Hope pauses at the sink, wiping his forehead. "Um...two hundred and eight."

"Close...two hundred and six."

Hope grumbles, starting the water and scrubbing anew before setting the rag down and reaching for his orange juice on the counter. Serah narrows her eyes at the sweat beading down his neck. Leaning against the fridge, she raises an eyebrow at him. "Maybe we should take a break. I mean, we've been at this since you got out of class." She glances at the clock, eyes popping. "And it's already five! You got out at-at eleven, Hope!"

"Yeah, but look at all the progress we made!" He waves his hands around the kitchen, grinning broadly. "Got all the kitchen done." He steps toward her and snatches the duster from her hand, wiping down the rest of the fridge before handing it back to her. "Half the living room, most of the backyard. We're doing great."

"You also have the exam in two days! You should be studying for that, not helping me here."

"But, I like helping you, Serah." He says it so simply that Serah blushes, looking away from his smile. "I mean, after all the help you've given me, it's the least I could do."

"You helped me too..." she whispers.

Hope pauses, leaning down to try and catch a glimpse of her eyes. She pushes her back to the fridge when he steps even closer, his breath hitting her face. Heart skipping, she looks at him from between her bangs, swallowing at his intense look.

"Hope."

"I want to help you, Serah. Not just because I want to pay you back, but because I'm worried about you." Something flashes in his eyes that sends her heart clawing to her mouth. Her breath quickens and Hope's cheeks flush. She watches his Adam's apple bob and his eyes flicker away. "I want you to promise...promise you'll talk to him. Or something." His eyebrows knit together before he forces his face to relax. "Nothing will change if you don't talk to him."

He steps away from her, and just like that the moment is broken. Ignoring the pulsations her heart causes in her throat, she nods and rubs at her neck. "O-okay then."

"So...how about I take care of your gutters before we rest?" Serah's eyes bulge at the suggestion. Hope is out the door before she utters a word, and she rolls her eyes. _He always disappears before actually getting an answer!_

"Hope, no!" She marches after him, slamming the door behind her. Body tensing at the cold breeze, she whips her head around, trying to spot him. "How does he get around so fast?" Shaking her head, she starts for her backyard. As he strolls out of her small white shed, carrying a ladder in his arms, a twitch begins to develop in her right eye.

"Hope, no. We are not cleaning the gutters today. We aren't cleaning them tomorrow. We are not cleaning the gutters ever!" She stomps her foot but Hope hums and walks right past her, leaning the ladder against her house. "Are you even listening to me? It's too dangerous. I don't even like Snow doing it."

"I am listening to you. But if you don't clean it out now, all the gunk and leaves are going to get frozen in there. And if there's too much, the gutters can break and collapse." He climbs the ladder and bounces his weight on the wood, much to Serah's horror. Eyes widening further, she presses a hand to her fluttering chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking to see if it's secure." He hops down once satisfied, trotting back to the shed. "Saw some gloves. Be right back."

Slamming her hand to her forehead as he leaves, she goes for the ladder. She glares at it, hissing and knocking it from the house. "We. Are. Not. Doing. This."

"Aw, Serah, I had it secure." She slowly turns to face him, the twitch spreading to both eyes. Hope slips on the too large gloves, curling his fingers and grinning. "Well, it wasn't that hard to set. I'll just do it again."

"You will do no such thing! You are on my property, and you will do as I say. And I say, we are not cleaning out the gutters!"

"Of course we aren't, Serah." Serah's chest loosens and Hope picks up the ladder. "_I'm_ cleaning out the gutters."

"That's not what I meant and you know it, Estheim." He pauses a bit at the use of his last name, tilting his head. He bites his lip and Serah feels a surge of satisfaction.

_Got you now. _

"Please, Serah?" Hope turns to her, jutting out his lower lip and clasping his hands in mock prayer. "Please, let me do this for you! I just want to help and it really is important. It's the very last thing I'll do today, I swear. And I won't work tomorrow if it bothers you too much. Please?" Her mouth drops when he even manages to make his eyes shimmer. She can feel her resolve weakening and kicks against it.

"No. Absolutely not."

"They could collapse in the winter."

"I'd rather have broken gutters than a broken Hope." Hope's cheeks darken at that, but he steps closer to her. Serah blinks when he pulls her into a hug. "Hope?"

"Just trust me. I will not get hurt. Not here. Not in front of you." His voice is so strong, so _sure_, that she finds herself nodding despite herself. He pulls away from her, eyes light and grinning from ear to ear. Serah's breath hitches at the sight, and Hope's eyes linger on her seconds longer than they should.

She cannot explain the rush of excitement when she notices this.

Minutes later he is on her roof, throwing down old mud and leaves, _Oh, God, I think that was a bird. _

Said bird joins the growing pile of junk and sludge as Hope works hard along the gutter. At one point he smiles down at her and asks in as sweet a voice he can muster, "Do you think you can ask me some questions for the exam, too? Two birds, one-"

"No." Flat-out refusal makes his face drop.

"Bu-but why not?"

Serah narrows her eyes. "Because I may have let you up there, but I will _not_ have you doing anything else. No distractions. Not even for that exam."

"But it's coming up so fast," he says. His voice rises in pitch, achieving a whine Serah didn't know was possible for someone his age. The way he bites his lips moments after suggests he didn't know he could make that sound either, and he silently returns to clearing out the mud before him.

Serah follows him around the house, wincing at every slight slip and holding her breath when he is out of sight. Although she is shivering, Hope eventually abandons his shirt to the ground, shouting that it's old anyway when Serah shouts at him. She eyes his back for any hints of exhaustion or pain, stepping as close as she can without getting hit with oncoming gunk.

Trace scars run down the right side of his back, as well as one on the lower left. The skin is reddening from the work, sweat beading down and disappearing into now ruined sweat pants. Serah takes several steps ahead of him, watching him dig into the gutter with concentration. His movements across the roof are careful, and she's glad for it.

Her gaze lingers on his face, but soon she finds her eyes heading for his torso. While by now means a large man, training under Lightning has kept Hope strong, fit, and lean. His abdomen is tightly muscled, moving in tandem with the rest of his body as he shifts, grunts, and heaves. Sweat drips down his chest as well, her eyes lingering on his ni-

_No, no, no, no, no, no! Bad thoughts, Serah. Absolutely...bad..._

Hope grunts again, pausing to arch his back. He cracks his neck for good measure, and Serah squashes, strangles, and absolutely _murders_ thoughts of, _Hot. Gorgeous. That man can bend._

At least, that's what she tells herself, even as the sinful musings whisper lowly in her ear. She shakes her head, her entire face burning bright at the persisting, corrupting thoughts. _I'm married! Married! No looking, no ogling, and no, no thoughts like _that.

"Serah? Serah, what's wrong?" Hope's voice shakes her from her reverie. "You all right? Maybe you've been out in the cold too long, your face is turning red."

"Um-Uh-Yeah! That must be it. I think I'll go inside and get you something to drink. No working until I get back though." She jabs a finger at him and he nods, smiling a bit.

"I won't. Worrywart."

"Hmph." She puts her hands on her hips and marches herself back inside, relishing in Hope's chuckles.

And groaning once she's in the house.

"This is going to be a long, long evening."

* * *

><p>"I failed the exam."<p>

Hope feels Serah touch his arm as he slams his forehead on the wooden library table. Shushing from the front can be heard, but Hope just shakes his head. "I failed the exam. I must have. It's the only explanation for how horrible I'm feeling. I failed. I failed."

"Hope, you did not fail. You are what most people call tired. That happens when you help a woman clean her house from top to bottom while studying your brains out. I'm sure you did fine." Serah bites her lip when Hope keeps mumbling 'failure' under his breath. She glances around at the bookcases, thoughts scrambling for what to do.

"I bet you'd feel better if we checked the answers! Let's go find-"

"No. No, please. If I never have to see another anatomy book of any kind..."

Serah sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Then maybe we should go out for coffee."

Hope chuckles and Serah's heart lifts at the noise. "I feel more like passing out than trying to stay awake. I was up cramming and drinking soda, and cramming some more."

"I know! I actually had to come over and make you fall asleep," Serah says, disapproval in her voice. She gives him a reproachful look, swatting his arm. "You know better than that. Haven't I told you a thousand times that you remember things better when you get a full night of sleep?"

"Yes," Hope moans, pouting.

"Then sleep next time!" Her brow worries when he only nods, and she pulls him up from his seat. "Come on, don't just sit there. How about actually showing me around or something?"

Hope blinks, tilting his head to the side before giving her a slow nod. He grabs her hand and starts to lead her down some of the stacks of books. Serah's eyes rove the passing titles, her heart leaping or sinking with each one she reads. Her hand itches to pull several of them down from the shelves and hurry to one of the cushions placed in the center of the room, but Hope just tugs her along.

"Where are we going, Hope?" She pulls at his grip, jutting her lower lip out when he doesn't let go.

"You're the one who told me to show you around." He smiles at her, ducking when she tries to smack him again.

"Yeah, but now you-"

"Shhhh." The librarian gives them a hard look, his eyes turning to steel behind his glasses. Hope waves at the man before taking Serah and ducking behind one of the last stacks in the library, leading to the very center of the case.

"Best not to get on Beaumont's bad side." Hope stretches to peek at said librarian, shuddering when his eyes meet the icy gray. "That man has one fierce temper."

"How many bones in the human body?" Serah asks in a hurried voice.

"Two hundred and six!" Hope flinches as he answers and Serah has to shove her hand to her mouth to keep from snorting. Hope's eyes are wide and he shakes his head, taking a few steps away from Serah. "Evil. Evil, that's what you are."

She smirks, clasping her hands behind her back. "And how many in your arm?"

"Three..." Hope mutters, narrowing his eyes at her.

"The spine?"

"Twenty-six."

"Which is the longest bone?"

"The femur. Does this have a point-"

"All correct!" Serah twirls around, giggling.

"W-wait, what?" Hope's mouth opens and closes as Serah dances around, and he tries not to let his eyes linger too long on her waist.

"So far, you've answered them all right." Her smile softens and she grabs his hand, squeezing. "So no, you did not fail the exam. Quite the opposite. You probably passed with flying colors."

Hope blushes and looks away, coughing into his free hand. "Exaggeration," he mumbles.

"No, it's not! You passed. I have a good feeling about this." Serah nods to herself, turning her attention to the bookcase. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see what Noel says."

"That's if he remembers to check. Just because I told him she's posting grades doesn't mean he'll look." Hope runs a hand through his hair, biting his lip. "And I just don't want to go check later. What if I really did fail the exam? I don't..."

"Hope, we have to work on your confidence." Serah grabs his hand but doesn't look at him, her eyes studying the titles in front of her. "I mean, look at all your other classes. You're doing great in those, aren't you? And besides, there's all the other things you've managed to accomplish too. Like helping to save the world? Most people look favorably on that, so you should put it on your resume."

Hope snorts, unable to fight the smile that spreads across his face. "I don't know, I was pretty small when I did that. You think they'd believe me?"

"Of course. You have really distinct features, so it's not too hard to tell that you're the same silver-haired boy from five years ago." Serah glances at him, offering a wide smile. "Besides, girls don't forget cute faces."

Both she and Hope blush at the admission, and they are unable to meet the other's eyes. Serah tries humming to distract herself, swallowing hard. Soon she can feel Hope's eyes on her, but can't bear to look back at him.

Hope, for his part, is torn between staring at Serah and the books in front of him. His heart races and he reaches for his speech; he had planned out everything, but the exam, and the anxiety that followed, had blown the words from his mind. He reaches for a book and pretends to read the title, bouncing his foot.

_Do I just say it? Will it sound stupid? What-what do I-_

"Hope...um, I'm sorry, but-"

"I think you should go back to college." Serah's jaw drops and Hope resists the overwhelming urge to slam the book to his face. His grip tightens around its edges but he keeps his eyes locked with hers.

"I mean it, Serah. I think-I think it'd do you a lot of good, if you had something to do outside of the house." He licks his lips, some of his earlier thoughts coming back to him. "Even if you just come part-time. I mean, tuition here isn't that bad, and I _know_ you'd do well. You're great at studying, and you love to read, and..." Trailing off, he smiles at her. "I just, I think you'd do awesome. And I bet there are a ton of clubs you'd be into, and I could help you out, and you'd make a bunch of friends."

"H-Hope..."

"No! You will!" He swallows hard, cheeks burning red. "Tons. I mean, it's impossible to _not _like you. Even Noel is warming up to you, and that guy can be pretty prickly. And we've got a writering club, and a book club, and a ton of sports-" He stops, catching his breath and sanity. "And-and I know it sounds weird when I say it, but I think you should-Umpf!"

Serah plows into him, wrapping her arms around him and pulling his face into the crook of her neck. Hope's entire body joins his red cheeks, now in flames at the sudden contact. He hugs her back with his free hand, biting his lips.

"Hope," Serah whispers, and he jolts when he hears the sob in her voice. "You can be so sweet sometimes. I just don't know what to do when you say things like that."

Hope blinks, eyes narrowing. "But it's all true, Serah."

She squeezes him, choking the words out. "See? There you go again. Being all sweet to me."

Hope sighs, closing his eyes and smiling into her neck. "Well, if it means I get hugs, I'll just have to keep doing it."

She chuckles and Hope's heart soars at the sound. He prefers it when she laughs, smiles, giggles. The tears and sobs from the other night still echo in his head, so he burns these noises to memory. A smiling Serah, a laughing Serah, and Serah hugging him because he's done something right. Not because she is so alone it hurts.

Eventually, Serah pulls away, her eyes bright and a little wet. Hope smiles at her and she returns it, glancing down at the book in his hands.

"You really are something else, Hope." She pauses, licking her lips. "College? I mean, I've-I've wanted to go. Even after Snow proposed, but I figured..." She shakes her head, bouncing in place. "But maybe I can! Maybe I can really come back to school."

Serah turns to the books, smile turning to a wide grin. "I bet I could check a lot of these out then." She slips the book from his fingers and places it back on the shelf, only to pull a light blue book down. "Like this one! I bet I'd write a decent thesis on it, if nothing else. I just _loved_ it in high school. It's been forever since I read it last."

Hope watches her fawn over the book, his smile still firmly in place. "Serah, you can get the book now. It's not like my library card is going anywhere."

She whips around, hugging the book to her chest as her eyes light up. "Really? You'll get it for me?"

"How can I not? You're practically drooling over it!"

"Am not!" She wipes at her mouth, cheeks red. "See? Nothing."

"You had to double check."

She rolls her eyes, still smiling. "Whatever. Thank you, that's all I can say. First this college thing, now the book..." Her eyes mist over and Hope watches as she curls her hair in her fingers. His gaze drops to her smile, chest lifting.

"Serah, it's nothing." She pauses at his low tone. His eyes are dark and remain on her. "I want to do this. I want you to be happy." He reaches for the book, sliding his fingers along the edge. Her breath hitches when his fingers touch hers, but pulls the book away before she can react.

"You want me to be happy?" she mutters to herself, although Hope's eyes flicker back to hers.

"Yes." His voice is hoarse. Low and firm.

He is so close to her now, and her heart won't stop pounding.

"What if I want you to be happy too?" she asks, mouth dry. She's leaning toward him, although she doesn't notice. The room is growing warmer and warmer and their eyes are swirling storms.

"I wouldn't mind..." He stops, voice catching. She blinks and Hope looms over her. His breath hits her face. His fingers tremble and so do hers. She watches his eyes study her face and how the green grows darker, like skies in the wake of a tornado. Her hands grabs his arm, mouth parting.

Hope's lips push against her, soft and gentle. He closes his eyes and tilts his head, and Serah's own eyes droop and close. He hums and the vibrations thrum through her chest, shocking her heart. Hope grasps her waist and nibbles her lower lip. Their bodies are hot against each other, the flames making them writhe. She moans into the kiss, licking his lips. His tongue moves in, hand going to cup her jaw.

The book clatters to the floor. The sound is a gunshot and they rip apart, faces flush and breathing heavy. Hope's eyes are wide and dazed, and Serah lips burn from the heat of the kiss. They stare at each other, swallowing and catching their breath. Through the fog, Serah blinks and looks at the mam who has kissed her

And she kissed back.

Realization dawns and she brings her hands to her mouth, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. Hope's mouth drops and he scrambles, looking for words that aren't there as the world collapses beneath their feet. He is still reeling from the kiss; the feel of her lips on his, but horror smothers the flame.

"S-Serah-"

It's all he can choke out before his voice dies. Serah shakes her head, taking several steps back, her hands still at her mouth. Terror strikes her blue eyes and her body quakes. Her body hitches with repressed sobs and she gasps, turning tail and running from the library.

Hope cries out and runs after her, ignoring the librarian's calls as he pushes past several students. By the time he's out the door Serah turns the corner and disappears.

A hole opens in Hope's chest and swallows his breath. His eyes throb and he shakes his head, moaning and turning to the wall. He presses his forehead against the brick, biting his lip and squashing the desperate sounds fighting to escape.

_No. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't just do that. There's no way I just did that. No fucking way. _

He runs his hands over his face, clawing at his red cheeks and letting his teeth tear at his lips. The heat of her lips, the soft skin, replays like a record in his head and he knows, knows he kissed her. Knows he liked it. Is distantly aware that she kissed him back.

But she is gone now, and hollowness seeps into his stomach. He opens his arms to the numbing sensation, ignoring the stares he's sent with his head pressed to the wall.

"Hope! Hey, Hope!"

Noel's voice comes from far away, but Hope doesn't look up. Cannot. Hope's hands tremble, and he hears Noel pause.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Hope shakes his head, not looking. Manages to grind out, "What is it, Noel?"

Noel blinks, narrowing his eyes and glancing around, as if he could catch the cause of Hope's distress.

Noel walks up to Hope, pushing a paper to his face and saying in a low voice. "I checked for the exam scores." Noel bites his lip, wondering if he should smile or bring his friend to the nearest coffee shop. "You, um, passed with flying colors. Got an A."

Hope's body stiffens and he buries his face in his hands.


	5. Darkness Descends

**That's right, I managed another update. I managed to crank and edit this bad boy, despite its massive word count. The update is a little early, but I think it will be worth it.**

**I want to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter, anonymous and signed reviewers alike! I'm glad the story is enjoyable for you all, and I hope you'll continue to read, review, etc.**

**For this chapter, I ****_highly_**** recommend listening to "Darkness Descends" by Laura Marling, as it was a big inspiration to this chapter. In fact, I recommend listening to everything by Laura Marling, because she's heavily influenced this story, and she is amazing!**

**IMPORTANT: Because of the direction this story is going, in 24 hours it will be moved to the M-section. Some of the content here had me questioning the rating, and knowing what comes later makes it seem like a wiser decision. I hope that's all right with you all and thank you for reading this.**

**Anonymous reviews (now that there are names again):**

**i am a guest: I'm glad you liked the chapter!**

**kwabbeh pattee: I know how you feel-you just don't want the chapter to be over yet, especially when you know you'll have to wait. And thank you! I felt really flattered to read that-it means a lot! *hugs***

**pacopoppers: I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! I loved reading your reactions. And I'm glad you thought the ceiling tile count was funny. Thank you very much for the review!**

**Well, that's all I have to say. Thank you for your patience and please enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

><p>They do not speak. They do not text or call or make any attempt to contact each other. Hope takes the bus the last days he has school for the week, and Serah continues last minute maintenance on the house, despairing that between her and Hope, there is very little left for her to do.<p>

The weekend passes with each hiding away in their homes, berating themselves for what happened and ignoring how hot and wonderful it had felt. Serah is ridden with so much guilt that she only eats one salad. Hope eats and eats and eats until he pukes, and spends the Sunday that follows laying in the fetal position in bed, holding a basin near his chest.

When Monday comes, Hope has no choice but to go to the party and Serah has no choice but to face her husband and her sister and Hope, and her heart clenches at the very thought.

* * *

><p>When Lightning arrives on Hope's doorstep at his request that Monday night, she is not sure why her chest is tight. Apprehension fills her as she recalls her earlier conversations with Serah. Her sister had sounded quiet, and there had been no small talk between them. Lightning was given the time to appear at the party, some well wishes, and nothing more.<p>

It bothers her, even as she stands at Hope's door, her car lights acting as a spotlight. She knocks, steeling herself and readying her questions.

But every interrogation technique she has at her disposal evaporates on her tongue when Hope answers the door, and she worries for both him and her sister. It has only been a few days, but his cheeks are thinner than when she last saw him. His skin is paler too, which is a feat in and of itself, and his eyes are dull when they meet hers. When he smiles at her arrival, it does not reach his eyes and quickly falls.

"H-Hope, what's wrong?" She reaches for his shoulder, squeezing it and looking him up and down. Hope runs a hand through his flattened hair, and she spots dark purple bags under his eyes. He tries to smile again, although it turns into a grimace halfway through.

"Guess I'm just tired. That exam took a lot out of me."

The lie is obvious and Lightning suppresses a growl.

"Hope, that's not what's wrong."

He sighs, shoulders slumping. He bites his lips, eyes downcast and searching the ground. Lightning doesn't know for what, and when he looks at her his gaze is blank.

"I know. I know that's not...not what's wrong. But," he pauses, narrowing his eyes, "can we pretend that I just have a cold or something? I-I'll tell you...eventually. But not right now. It-it doesn't feel right to tell right now."

Lightning blinks at his honesty, and takes in his haggard appearance. A part of her wants to press him for answers, demand to know what was amiss. She wants to take him in her arms and hug him; she wants to tell him that he will be all right, whatever it is. All these things leave her heart aching, but she settles for another squeeze of the shoulder and a sharp stare.

"If you don't feel well, then maybe you should stay home. I can look after you...let the others know what happened."

"No!" He grabs her by the arm, shaking his head. His eyes widen but he does not release her. "No. No, please. I-I have to go to this. I need to go."

"But, Hope, you're not looking good. If you get sick-"

"I promise I won't. I'll pull myself together. Please, I need to go, Lightning." His hand slides down to her hand and he clasps it, twining his fingers between hers. "I need to do this, or else...it won't ever get better."

She runs a hand over her face, lost. Surveying him from head to toe, she slowly nods. "Fine! Fine, we can still go. But one hint, one _inkling_ that you're not doing well, and we're coming straight back. Do you hear me, Estheim?"

"Loud and clear," he says, face relaxing. He grins and her heart loosens. Hope reaches somewhere in the house and pulls out a long brown coat, pulling it on. "Now, how about we get going? I have a feeling they'll start the party without us."

"Like that would be such a bad thing." Lightning leads them to her car, stiffening at the bitter wind that blows through her thin coat. "It's going to snow here soon."

"I'm sure it'll be better down south. Who knows, maybe you'll actually feel the warmth of sunshine again." Hope reaches for the air, arms trembling. "You'll have to tell me what it's like. I-I'm afraid I've forgotten what the heat of the sun feels like."

Hope wrinkles his face, hunching over. "Perhaps...perhaps I will see it again, before I die. Won't that be something, Lightning? To see the wonderful sun again?"

"You always did have a flair for the dramatic." She snaps the car door shut buckles, waiting for him to follow suit. She eyes him carefully, watching his movements for any sign of hesitation or trembling. Yet years of being by her side has alerted him to her usual cues, and he performs with precision. She sees no faults with his behavior, and he has easily slips back into his usual banter.

She feels alarmed when she can't tell how much of it is real and how much he is forcing to put her at ease.

As she starts the car, Hope rests his head on the window glass. His eyes follow passing lights and buildings while his breath fogs the window. Night has fallen, sending much of the world into darkness and cold. Passing trees whip around in the wind, sending leaves barreling at cars and pedestrians alike.

"Have you talked with Snow at all?" His question almost startles her. She narrows her eyes at the road.

"No. I didn't get a chance to when the idiot arrived. He was already surrounded by NORA and Serah, and I couldn't get him separated from her side." Hope's hands clench in his lap, and Lightning sighs. "We've got a whole week to talk with him, Hope. Or at least, a week to convince Serah to talk to him."

Hope opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens and closes it again. It happens several more times before he chuckles, the sound low and bitter. "I don't know if Serah will be all that willing to listen to me at the moment."

Lightning's grip on the steering wheel tightens. Buzzing in the back of her mind tells, nags, and shouts at her to ask what happened. But her lips seal themselves shut. Hope stares at the floor of the car, body going unnaturally still. He breathes hard through his nose, eventually glancing at Lightning. "Maybe it'd be better if you talked to her instead?"

Lightning glares. "I suppose. But what about you, Hope?" She swallows, keeping her face still. "Weren't you two getting along? She might listen to you, if you asked her to."

"You think?" Hope shrugs, turning away from her. "I guess I could try it, but I think you'd have more luck."

He doesn't look back at her, and Lightning grits her teeth. The conversation hits a standstill and she knows he'll say nothing now. Her eyes flicker between him and the road until Serah's house comes into view. Lightning sees Hope sag at the sight of it and her jaw clenches.

"If you really don't feel good, we can go home. Come on, Hope, there's no point in forcing yourself."

Hope shakes his head, waiting for her to park the car before unbuckling himself. "No, Light. Please...I have to do this. I have to go in there, and I have to-" He runs a hand over his face, shivering as he opens the door and cold air blows inside. "I just have to go in there. Mingle. Talk. Maybe give Snow a piece of my mind."

His eyes snap to hers and she sees how determined he is, the green of his eyes clear. And despite the bags and lines of exhaustion, she knows he will keep going.

"Fine." She sighs when she relents, holding back a snarl when she steps out and slams the door closed. She marches toward the house, calling over her shoulder, "Do anything stupid, and we're out of here. Understand?"

His words are echos of their departure.

"Loud and clear."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you managed all this," Snow says, shaking his head in awe as Hope and Lightning arrive. "I mean, getting the house looking so good. Preparing this party for me and the gang." He turns to Serah who stands beside him, a smile stretching across her face. "You're amazing, babe." Snow leans in to kiss her, and Serah pecks him on the lips. It lasts seconds, and for some reason her heart isn't in it, but she smiles shyly at him when they pull away.<p>

"I missed doing that," Snow says, ignoring the woots and whistles coming from Gadot and Maqui. "It seems like forever sometimes, doesn't it?"

"It really does." She tries to inject some of the pain and loneliness she felt in the past few months in the words, but Snow just grins and rubs his nose against hers.

"We'll just need to make this week one of the best ones ever then. And what better way to kick it off than a party with friends?"

"All right, all right, we get it. Stop flirting with your girl so we can actually get started," Yuj says, uncorking a dark green bottle of wine. Yuj's hair is a bright blue like before, although this time he has dyed the tips yellow. He grins and goes to a nearby table, pulling several glasses toward him. "And the best way to get started is with a few drinks."

"Hey, what about me?" Serah's heart jumps, eyes darting to the ground at Hope's voice. "I'm still a minor, you know. I can't go around drinking like this."

"Aw, great. The buzzkills arrived." Yuj shakes his head and pours some of the deep red liquid into a rounded wine glass. Serah watches Yuj's feet as he moves in front of Hope, and imagines him handing the drink over to the younger man. "Lighten up. You have plenty of adult supervision, if that's what you're worried about."

"N-no! That's not it! I just don't think it'd be a good idea for me to get drunk when-when-"

"Hope," Lebreau says, and Serah's eyes flicker to the woman's boots as she slides toward the group. "You really have to let go. I mean, I know being around Lightning can put a stick up your ass, but do you have to follow her example so closely?"

"Watch what you say, Lebreau." Serah peeks up at her sister, some of the tension leaving her chest. Lightning sticks close to Hope's side, arms nearly brushing his as she glares at the dark-haired woman. "Or you might find a gunblade up your-"

"Guys, guys." Serah looks between them, making sure to skip over Hope. "The party just started. Lets not start any fights so early. Please?"

"I don't think they're fighting, Serah." Snow wraps an arm around Serah, pulling her close to him. Serah's face warms and she rolls her free shoulder, feeling a burn on her skin. She glances at Hope and spots him staring at her, but he averts his eyes the moment he realizes he's caught. Lightning makes a small noise, rolling her eyes and grabbing Hope by the arm, pulling him toward the living room.

"Your idea of bonding leaves a lot to be desired, Snow." Lightning tightens her hold on Hope, eyes ghosting over his tight face. "And if Hope's going to drink, he needs to eat something first. Otherwise he'll be gone by the first glass."

"W-what?" Hope's jaw drops and Serah almost chuckles, despite the fluttering in her chest. "You too, Light? And I do not need to eat-I am perfectly capable of holding my liquor."

"So you're saying you've done it before?" Lightning asks, raising an eyebrow.

Hope gulps and looks away, face paling. Snow snickers, parting from Serah and ruffling Hope's hair. Only Serah and Lightning seem to notice his body tense at the contact. "Hope, what have you been up to while I was gone? Going on a dark, wild path are we?"

Serah's lungs deflate and she wonders if everyone can see the color she feels drain from her face. Hope's eyes flash for only a second before he smiles and shakes his head, glancing briefly at Serah. "Oh, yeah. You know me, always partying. I'm surprised they even keep me up at the school."

Serah bites her lip, wishing she had Hope and Lightning's penchant for keeping cool under pressure. She clasps her hands in front of her and grins, hurrying toward the kitchen. "Well, I'll get some of the dinner I made. You guys just eat up on appetizers while I'm gone."

"Yes, ma'am!" Maqui and Yuj say at the same time, giving her a salute before trampling into the living room. Serah covers a smile with her hands, slinking into the kitchen and shaking her head when Lebreau asks if she can help.

_I need to think. I need time to sort my head out. I-I-_

_I don't know what I need._

As her bare feet hit the tile, Serah's feels a rush of cooled air explode in her chest. Her heart refuses to stop skipping and her cheeks warm even more; her entire face flushes and her head lightens. Grabbing the utensils around her blindly, Serah starts slicing some ham and placing it on already prepared plates. Her mind wanders, and every thought makes her heart race faster and faster.

_I don't know if I should be glad he showed up. I mean, what do I say to him? What _can_ I say to him? "Hey, I know you kissed me and I kissed back, but do you think we can just forget it ever happened?" Sure, that'll go well. And what about Snow? What am I supposed to say to him?_

Serah closes her eyes and shudders, lips trembling. She moves to the mashed potatoes and plops them on, some flying and spattering the floor when she smacks them down on the plate too violently. Some even smack her face, but she doesn't notice.

_I have a whole week to come clean though. A whole week to tell him that I went and-and kissed someone else. And why? Because I was lonely? What will he say? He'll...he'll get so mad at Hope and at himself. I don't want him to feel bad. I'm the one who did something wrong._

Serah groans, gasping and setting the spoon back into the pot of mashed potatoes. The white goop squishes and she stares into it, eyes shining. _I need to stop thinking about it. All I'm doing is working myself up, and no one needs that right now. Everyone will freak out if they see me crying._

"Serah."

She shrieks, hand flying to her mouth. She whips around to see Lightning leaning on the doorframe, an eyebrow raised at her. Lightning pushes herself off the frame and walks toward her sister, pausing and looking her up and down before she sets to work on placing the peas on the plates.

"So, you look as bad as Hope does." Lightning says it in such a flat voice that Serah's mouth drops. She shakes her head to recover and bites her lip, waiting for her sister to continue.

Serah wonders how fast a heart will beat before it finally just explodes.

"Lack of sleep, if the circles under your eyes are anything to go by. Neither of you are willing to look each other in the eye. And that smile of yours is almost painful to look at."

Her words tear into her like knives, and it's all Serah can do to keep from choking on her own voice. She refuses to look at her sister, even when Lightning stops spreading the food to turn to her. "I have quite a few ideas as to what could have happened. But you're not going to tell me, are you?"

Serah closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Then another. Eventually, she shakes her head.

"I didn't think so," Lightning mutters, narrowing her eyes. "Hope's not being too forthcoming either. It's frustrating, watching you two fumble around each other and not knowing what happened. Not knowing how I can help."

"I can't say," Serah says, voice cracking. "Please, sis, don't make me explain."

"I never said I was going to, Serah." Lightning places a hand on her shoulder and squeezes, and Serah leans into the touch. "But whatever it is, you can't run from it."

"I-I know." Serah's shoulders sag and she wants nothing more than to disappear into the air. The walls of her house have never felt so isolating even though it hasn't been this full in months. Her pounding heart clenches, the pulsations making her ribs throb. She wants to wriggle out of her sister's grip and slide out of the house.

But she has nowhere to go.

"We should get this out there," Serah says, meeting Lightning's eyes and smiling as wide as she can. By contrast, Lightning's frown deepens, and she studies Serah as she scoops up two plates of food. "You wouldn't mind helping, would you? There's a lot of growling stomachs out there, and Hope really will need this if he's going to have any sort of liquor. Which I _strongly_ disapprove of."

"So do I." The words startle Serah, but Lightning chooses to pick up plates of food than meet her gaze. "But I figured I'd give him a break today. It seems like he needs it." Lightning starts toward the living room, pausing at the doorway and glancing back at her sister. "Whatever this is, you'll have to work it out. Take it as a chance to talk with Snow about the other things too. The problems won't go away just because you ignore them."

Serah's eyes scrunch up but Lightning's gone before she can say a word. Serah's ears pick up loud cheers at Lightning's arrival, but she closes her eyes and bows her head.

"Don't you think I know that, sis? It's...it's just not that easy."

Serah shakes her head and heads for the living room as well, grinning easily at the laughs and calls of "Glory to the goddess who brings us food!"

As dinner is passed around Serah sneaks a glimpse of Hope and agrees with her sister; he looks awful. Every movement he makes is slow, and his face seems pinched. He cannot meet her eyes, although she's sure he feels hers on him. Her heart tightens more and more, like a clock being overturned, the gears about to break.

Her friends give her cover though, offering stories of their previous deployment as a means of distraction.

"Then, Maqui actually sticks his hand in the hole. I mean, this guy really believed me when I said I dropped his wrench into some random hole I dug," Lebreau says, waving her hands at her victim. Maqui pushes his blond hair in front of his eyes, groaning.

"Will you quit talking about it? You've been that mean to me and my tools before! I really thought you did."

"But I didn't. So the poor kid wound up with a fistful of the sludge that got cleaned up from the barracks. His face turned a whole different shade of green and he did this-" Lebreau twists her face, curling her lips and squinting her eyes. She waves her hand away from her, shuddering and squawking, " 'Ew! Ew, get it off, get it off! You're so mean, Lebreau. You're so mean! Is this what I think it is? Ew, ew-' "

"Will you stop talking about it!" Maqui shoves her halfway over, sending her sprawling onto Hope's lap. Hope jumps when Lebreau turns to him and grins, leaning toward his face.

"He's such a girl, isn't he? What about you, Hope? You act girly?" Her eyes smolder as she speaks. Serah bits her tongue, blinking away a glare.

"I make it a point not to..." Hope says slowly, licking his lips.

"Really? But then, why haven't you touched your wine? Or are you really gir-"

"I don't like how it tastes, that's all!" Hope puffs his cheeks out and looks away, bright red spreading across his face. "I'm allowed to have different tastes, right?"

"Yeah, but you've been a sad sack since you got here. I think you've been hanging around Lightning too much. You've barely talked at all!"

"Lebreau, leave him alone," Lightning says, voice low.

"Oh, relax, relax. I have something that he'll like the taste of and still get him drunk off his ass."

Lebreau springs up and bounces to the kitchen, ignoring Hope's pleas of, "No! I don't want to be drunk off my ass! Buzzed is nice, drunk enough to puke is not!"

"Sorry, Hope. Once she sets her mind to something, there really is no stopping her." Snow shakes his head and smiles at Hope. Lightning and Serah's eyes switch between the two men. "But how have you been? We almost never get to talk anymore."

Hope's face tightens briefly, jaw locking. Even his eyes darken and Serah shifts in her seat, opening her mouth to intervene-

"Well, you need to come visit more often then, you big oaf." Snow gasps and clutches his heart, and Hope chuckles. "I've been doing pretty good, actually. School's been smooth and I managed to pass a really hard exam. Serah helped me study for it-I wouldn't have made it, if not for her."

"Is that right?" Snow turns to Serah, giving her a soft smile. "You always were good at that sort of thing, weren't you?"

Serah's eyes drop to her lap and her cheeks warm. From shame or pride she's not sure. Snow grabs her hand and squeezes and Serah swallows the lump in her throat.

"I'm glad you're doing so well, Hope. And thanks for being there for Serah while I'm gone." The heat in Serah's face and chest is gone as quickly as it came, and new chills blow through her lungs.

"Please, it's not a problem. Serah's pretty fun to hang with." Serah's eyes widen and her gaze snaps to Hope's face. His grin is wide and eyes bright, but the way his hands fist in his lap draw her eyes. She swallows again, throat closing, but Lebreau bursts into the room before anymore can be said.

"Who's ready for some schnapps?" She thrusts several bottles in the air, ranging from blue, purple, pink, and brown. "We've got bubblegum, butterscotch, blueberry, and grape! Flavors of all kinds for those with weak stomachs and taste buds!"

"Wa-wait, what?" Hope sputters, eyes bugging.

"Schnapps, Hope. It's pretty much candy alcohol."

"That he's not having," Lightning says, glaring at her.

"Oh, come on, Light. You're here, aren't you? I'm sure you can watch how much he's drinking."

"But that's not fair to Light," Hope tries before Lebreau slams a bottle into him, uncorking it and bringing it to his lips. Hope gasps and chokes, shuddering as grape flavor with a hint of heat streams down his throat. His eyes widen and he pulls the bottle away from his chest. "It's really does taste like grape."

"Of course it does. You think I'd lie?" Lebreau shakes her head, ignoring the dark, death inducing glare Lightning sends her.

"It's a long ride to the south, Lebreau," Lightning mutters, "just remember that."

* * *

><p>"Sorry, sis," Snow says, barely holding back a grin as he talks into the phone. Serah raises an eyebrow at him as she puts the last of the plates into the sink, leaning against the counter as Snow smirks. "Did he now? I'll be sure to keep that in mind. He does remember it was Lebreau who gave him the schnapps and not me, right?"<p>

Serah shakes her head when Snow breaks out into laughter. "Oh, so it's my fault anyway? How bad is the hangover anyway? The, 'I'll kill you the next time I see you' variety? I'll be sure to keep Hope at a good distance then." Snow freezes, paling. "I forgot he has a boomerang. Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad driving him home, was it?" Snow cheeks burn red and he closes his eyes. "Please don't kill me, sis."

A sharp yell sends the phone to the receiver and Snow looks at Serah with worried eyes. "I think sis is going to kill me when we leave. I don't want to die, Serah. Please protect me from your mean sister." He scoops her up in an embrace and carries her to the living room, burying his face in the crook of her neck. His warm lips kiss her skin and Serah closes her eyes, trying to relish the warmth that blooms inside her.

Hope's lips on her douse the feeling, and she grits her teeth.

"Snow?" Serah whispers.

Snow hums, kissing her neck and moving down to her collarbone. The touches are like feathers, sending goosebumps down her body, but the chill doesn't leave her.

"I-I need to to-"

"Condom?" Serah closes her eyes and he kisses her. She tilts her head and bites his lip. She will not tell him she's on birth control. It is another unimportant thing and she does not want to disturb his world.

"Not quite what I meant."

"Sorry," he mumbles, pulling away only to go back to kissing her collarbone. He sets her on the couch and runs his hands along her sides, trailing kisses up her jaw as well. His hands are phantoms, barely brushing her skin. In his hands she is a doll, and he's careful in how he handles her. "It's just...been so long. I missed you. I missed being with you."

"S-Snow." Serah clenches her eyes shut, willing the burn in her eyes to disappear.

"You're always there for me, Serah. Even when I screw up. Even when everything else seems to be going wrong. You're always there for me. I love it. I love you for it." He sucks hard on the corner of her jaw, then moves to her cheeks. Serah opens and closes her mouth, unable to start with the truth. His words send a flurry of warmth inside her, but some of it boils like anger.

"Snow, I-"

"I know it must be hard to be here all the time. I'm...glad that Hope and Lightning were there for you. And I'm sorry Lightning is leaving too. And that I'm leaving again. I want to stay with you, but the people out there-they need me."

Her chest tightens and she blinks back a tear. _What about me? I need you, too. I need you to be here with me. I know-I know you want to help everyone, but what about me?_

These are the words she wants to say, but they catch in her throat before she can force them out. He kisses her false starts away, saying over and over how much he loves her for always being there for him. For always waiting. He repeats his love when he peels off her shirt and she pulls down his pants, and again when they roll around on the couch, gasping and panting the other's name.

He says it the entire week. That he's glad she waits and is always there. The one part of his life that doesn't change, even while he goes off and changes the lives of others. He says it over the phone calls from Lightning who tries to push her toward a talk with Snow. He says it in the bedroom and the car and on the way to the station where she will say goodbye to him and her sister.

Serah knows she should feel warmth. Knows she should tell him that things have changed a little and that maybe his love shouldn't be as strong as it is. That hearing this shouldn't leave her trapped and utterly alone.

But her chest is cold and the truth fails to leave her lips.

* * *

><p>Her hands shake as she and Snow walk through the semi-crowded station. Chatter fills the room, echoing off the walls and bouncing back at them. The noise leaves Serah's head throbbing, and Snow holds her hand tightly as he leads the way. He grins and points when he spots the other members of NORA, kissing her on the cheek as he pulls her toward them.<p>

Serah tries to smile, but her jaw is tight and she sees that their faces are pale and sad. Yuj claps her shoulder and Gadot smiles, but Maqui is shaking his head and pulling her into a hug before she can say otherwise. Lebreau grabs her hand and rubs circles into the skin, and Serah easily feels what they all think,

_This week went by too fast._

A clearing throat draws all their eyes and Lightning and Hope stand before them. Hope's eyes are downcast and Lightning's arms are loosely folded in front of her before she breaks apart and scoops Serah into a hug. "I will call you as often as I can. And I'll push for more frequent visits," she mutters the last part and Serah smiles, nodding.

"Thank you. Thank you, Claire."

Lightning pauses at the use of her real name before her shoulders sag and she grins. "There is nothing to thank me for." Lightning turns to Hope and ruffles his hair, sighing when she spots how bright his eyes are. "And don't you go on like this. I'll be calling you too, believe it or not."

"I know," Hope says, biting his lip. "But this-it's different. Way different. It's not like I can visit you during off-hours."

"I know, Hope. I know." And she pulls him into a tight hug, earning some 'aws' from NORA before a icy stare snaps all their mouths shut. Serah chuckles into her hand, gasping when Snow grabs her up and spins her around before pulling her to his chest.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this again. But when I come back, I promise we'll spend even more time together." His words make her eyes water again, and she nods. "I swear, Serah. I'll come back. No need to worry. Besides, a hero has to do what a hero has to do."

He gently places her back on the ground, kissing the top of her forehead, her cheek, and then her lips. Each touch leaves her skin tingling, and Snow's fingers linger on her cheeks. "My hero," Serah whispers, "I-I love you."

Snow nods, gulping a bit before nodding again. "Great, now my eyes hurt," he says, looking away. A chime fills the room and all heads look up before their gazes meet each other. Serah's heart clenches tighter and she gasps, trying to draw breath. Her mind scrambles and a hole rips inside her stomach, sucking out her warmth and thoughts and strength.

She grabs Snow's arm and almost pulls him back when he makes to leave, but a light tug breaks him free and it's all she can do to look him in the eye. Lightning whispers an "I love you." and she's watching her sister and her husband's backs, the hole in her stomach stretching to her chest. She chokes, hands trembling, and she presses a hand to her eye.

_I didn't say it. I didn't say anything I needed to say. All I said was, "I love you." Not, I need you home more. Not that I need you beside me. Not that we need-need to work this out. Nothing. I didn't say anything._

_I didn't say anything again._

"S-Snow-" Serah gasps out, her voice small and choked. "W-wait. I didn't-didn't tell you-I-I-"

But he turns the corner before she can get the second sentence out. The absences around her feel like cannon-sized holes, and her legs wobble. She presses a hand to her mouth and stares down at the blurring floor, tears dripping down her cheeks and nose.

"Oh-oh-all that and-and all we did-all we did-" She bites her fingers, shuddering.

Arms wrap around her and she jumps, eyes widening when she catches a glimpse of silver. Hope is warm and solid beside her, and her skipping, clenching, throbbing heart sends more strangled and muffled sobs through her. She closes her eyes and gasps again, hiccuping and sniffling until she dams back the flood.

"I-I'm okay. I'm okay now." Hope steps away from her and she glances up at his face, noting his own red-rimmed eyes and pale skin. He picks at the sleeves of his shirt, looking between her and the floor.

"I-I..." Hope starts, then stops, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"I don't know if I can ever, _ever_ tell you how sorry I am. I-I managed to screw things up pretty badly. I don't know how to-how I can ever, possibly..." Hope shakes his head, meeting her teary eyes. "I don't want you to forgive me. And-and I don't know how to make this right. If I can _ever_ make this right. But-but-"

He runs his hands through his hair, messing up already frayed locks. He sticks his hand out to her and tenses, swallowing hard. "Just know that I'll always be there for you. That-that you don't have to be alone." He shakes his head, briefly closing his eyes. Serah's heart lodges itself in her throat. "But, if you ever-ever think you can look me in the eye again, I want to hang out. As friends." Hope manages a smile. A true smile, something she hasn't seen in the last week.

Her heart lightens and she doesn't know why.

"No matter what, I'm with you. And-and I hope-"

"Hope," Serah says, blinking when he snaps his mouth shut so fast his teeth clink. She grabs his hand and squeezes, another tear breaking off her eyelash. "Thank you."

Hope's eyes widen and his smile grows, although it's tempered by the sheen of tears she spots in his eyes. He nods, awkwardly clasping her hand before Serah rolls her eyes and pulls him into a hug. "We'll talk later," she says, closing her eyes. "But...but for now, let's just...leave it."

He nods again and they pull away, exchanging glances before parting ways. Serah watches his leave through a different set of glass sliding doors before doing the same.

Once the cold air hits her, she shivers, Snow's body no longer beside her to keep the cold at bay. The trek back to her car is longer than she remembered when she arrived, and she fumbles with her keys for minutes more than she likes. Even as the car starts and she cranks the heat up, the chill inside her chest does not leave her. Pulling out of the station's parking lot only seems to make the blizzard inside her grow, and dark night skies compound the ice. Her headlights shine bright on the smooth, paved road in front of her, and she nears her house in half an hour.

She looks at it through the window. Stares it down.

_There's no one there. It's just me now. Just me to fill that big house. Just me to make solo meals. Just me to clean. Just me to fill up that bed and-and-_

She shakes her head and pulls away before she can dwell on it any longer. She feels her heart in her throat, thumping away and making her entire body shake. Her hands tremble at the steering wheel and she drives aimlessly, wandering streets and running from the cold that follows her at breakneck speed. Snow is no longer there to hold it at bay; she no longer has her sister or NORA to turn to. And as much as she wants to see Hope, she can still feel his kiss and she just can't do it.

_That kiss. That stupid kiss._

Serah growls and floors it, speeding around a block three times before pulling down another set of streets. She lets them lead her down their turns and slopes, breathing hard as cold erupts in her back. She surrounds herself with buildings full of people and streets busy with cars, but it doesn't beat back the chill. Rain pitter-patters on the roof of her car and she's forced to turn the wipers on. Soon everything around her is abandoned; the night too cold and the rain too hard to remain.

Her loneliness creeps back with ease and she hates herself for it. Hates that she needs Snow back. Hates that Snow wouldn't let her talk about how alone she was-had stopped her with his words of her being his rock.

_What about me, Snow?_ Serah clenches her eyes shut, tears dripping into her lap. _Who's supposed to be my rock? Who can I turn to?_

_Why am I always so alone?_

She shakes her head and screeches to a stop, unsure of where she is and not caring. She throws her car door open and stomps outside, shoes squishing and sinking in the mud. Freezing rain beats down her back and knocks the air out of her lungs; before long her skin is numb and she barely notices how hard her teeth chatter. She walks around her car in circles, shaking her head and holding back sobs and cries.

_This is stupid! So, so stupid! Why didn't I say anything? All it would have taken was, "Snow, I feel lonely when you're gone all the time." That could have started something._

She kicks the mud and it splatters the side of her car.

_And now-now look. Now look at me. Nothing's changed. I couldn't say anything. And-and he didn't-he still didn't notice. He thought-thought every smile was real. Thought I was okay. Thought that-that-I don't know!_

_Why didn't you see, Snow? Why didn't I say something? Why do I keep running away?_

Serah shrieks, slamming her foot in the ground and screaming up at the sky. Rain slithers down her mouth and leaves her even colder than before, and she closes her eyes.

"No one seems to see me," she mutters, hair sticking to her face. "No one sees who I really-"

She stops, mouth closing when silver hair and green eyes flash in her mind. Her mouth trembles and new tears prick her eyes and she wraps her arms around herself.

"Except him," she says, rocking herself back and forth. "He saw. He still sees. Maybe he always-always saw it...I didn't have to say anything."

She hiccups again and stumbles away from her car, hot tears turning to ice as they slide down her cheeks. The soft ground sinks beneath her and she chokes several times. The night cloaks everything in shadows but she spots several lights in the distance. Her feet turn and start toward them, and she smiles ruefully when one of them starts to blink.

_What am I even doing?_

But she keeps walking, and soon she's at the cement stairs of the house with the flickering light. One by one step she walks up toward the door, and her heart clenches before skipping. It jumps into her throat, its new home recently, and chokes her voice with its constant pounding. She's still crying and cold and alone, and she raises a quaking hand to the door as the light blinks off and on again.

Knocks once. Twice. Three times.

In the back of her mind she knows she's been here. Her reddened eyes widen as the light above her dies out and the door opens. New light floods out, striking her with its dim glow as silver hair and green eyes face her.

"S-Serah?"

Her entire body warms hearing him say her name.

The loneliness recedes.


	6. Devil's Spoke

**I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. A lot has been going on in my life, but they have either straightened themselves out, or I have chosen to ignore them. I will reply to all pms and reviews soon, but here are the anonymous reviews (with the exception of guest, because I knew who you were, :) ).**

**kwabbeh pattee: I loved the bit about your actual quote! I don't want you to feel frustrated-but I have to end the chapter sometime! :D And the "I loved everything!" part made me giggle like mad. Thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it and loving my stories!**

** mr . jellycup: Thank you for saying so; I'm really glad you've loved it so much. As for sexy times... Well, best leave it to you! But don't feel bad about asking, as there is nothing wrong with being curious! :)**

**ithinkiloveyou: You have no idea how much that means to me. *hugs* I want to stay as true as possible, despite the, well, implausibility of the pairing. And I'm even happier you can feel their emotions through the page. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well!**

**Pacopoppers: A few things, but I'm back on track! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.**

**Stargazerqwert: You review had me blushing, I'm happy to say! I'm glad there's so much to enjoy, and that you've grown to like the pairing! I'll do my best to bring more chapters. Thank you!**

**Also, during this chapter, readers may want to consider listening to "Devil's Spoke" by Laura Marling. I think it fits to a point. But enough of my rambling! I hope you all enjoy the chapter, and thank you in advance for reading.**

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><p>Green eyes lock on blue, the remnants of Hope's voice dying with the pittering rain. He looks her up and down, shaking his head and grabbing her arm. She lets him pull her inside without a sound, eyes closing at the contact. She can feel the warmth of his hand through her thin coat, and when she stumbles into the house, her entire body is consumed with his familiar scents and heat.<p>

The singed stench of a burned dinner hits her, although she's not sure what he tried to make. Hope has never been much of a cook, and a few lessons from Serah have only made certain the house would not burn down in the future. A musty smell permeates the room, hastily covered by a strong, lemon spray. Hope himself hints of cinnamon and apple, the scent wafting from him as he pulls her into the living room.

Hope's chatter forces her eyes open and she gasps at how close his face is. Hope peers into her eyes before his gaze travels down the rest of her, eyes darkening. Serah bites her lip and runs a trembling, clammy hand through her wet hair. Her shoulders slump when she sees the puddle of water she drips onto his carpet floor, cursing when a violent shiver shoots drops at the wall. Mud trails behind her as well, and she can only sigh when she spots leaves crushed into the floor.

"Serah, please, say something. You look like you've been bawling your eyes out." Hope's hand on her shoulder leads her eyes back to him, and she smiles as best she can. Her numbed cheeks throb and her eyes burn in response.

"I'm tracking dirt through your house. I-I'm sorry-" She barely catches his eyes flash before he explodes.

"Ugh! Serah!" Hope throws his hands up, rolling his eyes. "I don't care about the floor. I care that you're crying. Why?"

Serah shakes her head and sniffles, opening and closing her mouth. "I-I'm sorry. I just-I-" Stomping her foot at her false starts, she grinds out, "I have to tell you something. But-"Her voice seizes and her legs wobble. Hope's gaze softens and he reaches for her hand.

"We can talk when you're not freezing to death." Her jaw drops at his words but he's already peeling her coat off, smiling at her before heading toward the coat-rack by the door. "Sorry for the shouting. It's just-it's been a long day, you know?" He snorts, heading back to her and leading her to the couch. "Of course you know. Look at you."

He slides to the floor and starts on her shoes and socks, carefully straightening her legs and easing them off. Serah chokes as she watches, running her cold hands over her frozen face. Her body quakes and she shivers when her toes are exposed. Hope glances up at her, biting his bottom lip. His fingers brush her skin and she feels the fire in his fingertips. The chill inside her burns colder at his touch.

Hope coughs, rubbing his throat. "Y-you'll just get colder, if you stay in that."

Serah blinks and looks down at her soaked-through pants and blouse. She nods, curling her toes into Hope's carpet and grinning. Something about his words and flushed face strengthen her resolve, and she looks up at him, tilting her head to the side. "I don't exactly carry a spare outfit with me."

Hope's entire face flushes and Serah stifles a chuckle. "N-no! No, I mean, why would you?" He looks around his house, wringing his hands. "I-um, I guess-um..." He swallows, pointing down the hall to his room. "You can borrow some of my clothes, if you want. I-I can take yours and wash em, and dry-and-and-cocoa! That's what we need! Some hot cocoa. I'll go make that, then, and you-you get warm. And I'll get cocoa. Lots of cocoa."

"Got it, Captain Cocoa." Serah laughs, eyes brightening when Hope's own lips form a grin. He stands and ruffles her hair, sticking his tongue out as he leaves.

"Just leave your clothes outside my door. I'll grab them later."

Nodding absently, Serah heads past Hope's kitchen and bathroom, down to his room. It sits nestled in the right corner and Serah's heart skips when she realizes that, for all the studying they've done together, this will be the first time she has been in Hope's room.

Squashing down the excitement that bubbles in her stomach, she slips inside and flips on the switch, blinking at the bright light that hits her eyes. She immediately locks onto his bed, the full-size mattress neatly made. _It looks like he hasn't slept here in a while. Which means he's been at the couch. Which I have told him _how_ many times not to do?_

Shaking her head, she resists the temptation of looking around and heads for his wooden dresser, only to pause at the drawers. Inside, she belatedly realizes, are all his clothes: shirts, jeans, slacks, sweaters, socks, and underwear. She rifles through Snow's clothes all the time, but her hand still stops at Hope's drawers.

_I have no idea which drawer has what. What if he-I mean, he's a boy and it's normal for him..._

_No, just don't even think about it._

Taking several deep breaths, she curls her fingers and _refuses_ to think of all the things Hope could be keeping in his drawers that she wouldn't want to see. She flings the drawer open, blinking at the jumbled socks and underwear she spots before slamming it closed.

_See? That wasn't so bad. Nothing evil or perverted in there. Not that I really looked long enough, but it's the thought, right? _

A sharp shudder reminds her that she's still wearing ice-cold clothes and she peeks into the next few drawers. Licking her lips, she pulls out a green, wrinkled dress shirt and a pair of black shorts, but pauses and looks down at herself. Swallowing, she slips out of her shirt and feels her bra, only to sigh when her hands comes back wet.

_Not good..._

Biting her lip, Serah reaches around and unhooks her bra. She pushes it away once it drops to the floor, holding Hope's shirt in front of her to examine. Ignoring the heat burning painfully in her face, she pinches the corners and hugs the shirt, taking a deep breath.

_More cinnamon. Does he bathe n it or something?_

Giggling at the thought, she slips the shirt over her head and buttons to the very top, relaxing when she sees it covers her chest. Her collarbone peeks out and her right shoulder remains exposed, but it is better than it could have been.

Moving on to her jeans, she fights to take them off while her mind wanders.

_Why are you here, Serah? Why did you come running back to Hope?_

Snarling when the denim catches around her thighs, she kneels closer to the ground and wriggles around. The wet jeans claw her skin, leaving a raw, red color in its wake.

_Stupid question. Because he cares. But what am I here to do?_

Her heart skips and she breathes hard, gasping when she yanks hard enough to get the jeans off. She rolls onto her back and stares at Hope's ceiling, blinking at a few posters pinned to the walls. Boomerangs, robots, and a band poster or two color the ceiling, and something inside her warms.

_What do I say?_

Serah lifts her ring finger up and stares at the gold band, chest hollowing out. The light catches the metal and shoots in her eyes, making her wince. Sighing, her other hand feels the hem of her panties and she groans.

They're soaked.

Bouncing her head on the floor, Serah slowly pushes herself back up and eyes Hope's dresser. She inches closer and closer, finally standing and looking at the top drawer. Her heart picks up its pace, her thoughts reeling and fluttering away from her. Her body stiffens and she glances at the ring.

_This shouldn't be happening._

She opens the drawer, cheeks reddening at the underwear, boxers, briefs, and socks she spots inside.

_Hope shouldn't be the one comforting me._

She sifts through the clothes, heart lodging itself in her throat. Hope pops into her head; him grabbing the book and pulling her into that burning kiss. She shakes herself out of the memory, biting her lip.

_I shouldn't still be thinking...about that kiss. _

A black pair of boxers pulls her eyes and she lifts them out. Her chest heaves and her shaking hands reach for the hem of her underwear.

_If I keep going, I know-I know-_

She pulls them off and toes her underwear to the small pile of wet clothes. Taking another deep breath, she pulls on Hope's boxers. Then reaches for his shorts and pulls them on as well. They catch at her hips and she tightens the elastic string until they hug her waist. Her heart bounces in its cage.

_But...I want to keep going._

Gathering her clothes, she stops and looks around the room. Her eyes spot a boomerang sitting in the far right corner, and books around the bed. Pictures sit on the end tables and a mog doll rests on a computer desk. Something warm envelopes her and she presses a hand to her heart at the odd, bubbling feeling. She smiles as it steals away the cold.

_I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of-of this. I'm sick of pushing away this person who makes me feel safe and warm and so _not _alone._

She flips off the switch and closes the room off. Her eyes look for Hope but she hears the beeping of a microwave that tells her he's still making the cocoa.

As her body still trembles, though no longer from the chill, she steps into the bathroom and throws her clothes into a laundry basket. Switching on the light, she studies her reflection in the wall mirror. Her wet hair remains plastered to her face and her cheeks are red from crying and freezing rain. But her gaze lingers on Hope's shirt on her, and what little she can see of his shorts.

Fingering the hem of the shorts, her face heats at the thoughts of his boxers on her. Mouth dry, she shakes her head and turns the light off, heading for the living room. Her mind sparks, thoughts starting and stopping before they can really form. Her heart pounds harder and faster, dizzying her as she plops onto the couch cushions. The clatter of cups catches her ears, but then she looks down at her hands. Rests them in her lap and stares at her wedding band.

_There's no going back._

His lips on hers. Warm. Caring. Rough and gentle; she didn't know they could exist all at once.

She twists the ring up and off.

_Not after this._

Setting the gold ring on the table, she hugs herself and closes her eyes, waiting for his footsteps in the other room.

_And I don't want to go back._

"Serah, are you okay?"

_Not after this._

* * *

><p>Hope slows his steps when he spots Serah on the couch, her hands in her lap and head down. His chest tenses, and her bloodshot eyes flash in his mind. Lowering his eyes, he walks toward her and sets the cups on the table, catching her eye and offering a smile.<p>

"You still look like you need to warm up," he says, pushing the steaming cup of cocoa closer while he sits on the floor. Eyes lingering on her bare shoulder, he snaps his gaze to the table. "Sorry I don't have anything better."

"Everything would have been too big, Hope. Don't worry about it." Serah slowly reaches for her cup and sips, eyes hidden behind her bangs. Hope's throat tightens and he looks down at his own cup, running his finger along the rim before finally picking it up and taking a large gulp. The chocolate liquid scorches on its way down but Hope chokes back the yelp and leaves his eyes fixed on the table.

His heart hammers away at his ribs and he wonders when the bones will break.

Setting his cup down and still very interested in the table, Hope asks, "So...what happened, Serah?"

Out of the corner of his eye he sees her set her own cup down, the steam waving up before disappearing completely from his sight. Hope's eyes widen briefly when he spots a small shine on his table, and Serah's wedding ring meets his gaze.

"I-I was out thinking, is all. I had a bit of a breakdown." Serah rubs her eyes and Hope chances a look at her. The lines of exhaustion on her face and raw red skin draw his eyes the most.

"You sure it was a 'bit' of one?" Hope shakes his head. "How long were you even out there? I bet you're gonna get sick."

"Probably." Hope bites the inside of his cheek. This Serah seems to have lost her fight and it makes him shift uncomfortably.

"Serah..."

"I just." She sighs, tilting her head toward the ceiling. "I started thinking about a lot of things. About Snow and myself. About you." Hope's lung clench and breathing becomes five times harder. He has no idea why the air just flies from him, but he's far too winded to respond.

"Snow...he doesn't notice me. At least, not the way I need to be noticed. And-and I know. I should know, by now, that he's always going to be like that. You need to hit him over the head with something in order for him to get it. He's single-minded and tenacious and chivalrous, and so many things." Serah lowers her head and sighs, blinking fast.

"I-no-_we_ always talked about how our marriage would be like...one of those fairy tales. Even after I was branded, even after Cocoon fell from the sky, he was the knight and I was the princess. And he saved me. But...I don't know. I didn't think the princess would be spending so much time alone in her castle, while her knight went off to fight the dragons."

Hope closes his eyes, holding back a groan. He searches for an answer, for a sentence, for anything, but nothing comes to mind. Fresh anger bubbles in his stomach, but there's no Snow to throw his fist at. Serah needs him now, but he has no answers.

_What am I supposed to say? I mean, I don't even know if I-_

"I'm sorry, Hope." Her voice cracks and Hope shakes his head, joining her on the couch and grabbing her hand.

"Serah, no, don't-"

"I'm here making these stupid metaphors about my marriage in the middle of the night. I have a lot of things I need to apologize for." Her breath shakes and she squeezes his fingers. "It's just-I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't-I didn't think I'd end up like this. Feeling like this. And I know I should tell him, but I can't find the words. I don't want-want to ruin anything, but..."

Serah rubs her toes into the carpet, moaning when tears fall down her cheeks and into her lap. "Even-even when I know what I should say, I can't make it come out. And here I am, making your life harder and I shouldn't be."

"Serah, no, stop-"

"No, Hope. That's what I'm doing! I keep coming to you, expecting you to pick up the pieces of this-this-I don't even know what to call it anymore."

"Serah," His voice rises with hers. He feels as desperate as she looks, her watering eyes looking everywhere around her before settling for her legs.

"All I do is dump my problems on you! I came here for something else. To tell you something important. To let you know how I feel! But then-then-"

"Serah!" He grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her into the couch, eyes flashing before settling into a dark burn. Her eyes widen, mouth parting at the way he leans in. His voice is barely a whisper. "What part of, 'I'll be here for you' did you not hear? So you're dumping your problems on me, go ahead! Since when did I complain? Sure, I don't get some of it, and more than half the time I feel like decking Snow for making you feel like this, but that doesn't mean I want you to sit there and simmer in it."

Hope's fingers dig into her skin, breath hot and quick. "I want you to be happy, Serah. And I want you to feel better, and stop crying and berating yourself over this. I want you to talk with Snow. And I want-_need_-you to know that I'm always going to be here. So you're depending on me too much?" Hope's lips crack into a twisted smile, his eyes burning. "Fine! I'd rather you do that then go back home and curl into a ball and-and just start all over again."

"Hope-"

"Okay? Okay, Serah? This is fine. Tell me about your problems. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can make that idiot of a husband see sense, and maybe I can push you to talking. But I'm not letting you go back to the way things were. I _refuse._"

The last word comes out a heavy breath, and Hope keeps her pinned for several long seconds before he blinks and sees what he's done. Hands flying off, he swallows and leans away, running a hand over his face. "Oh-oh..." He blinks several times, wincing when he spots the red marks he's left on her shoulders and what he can see of her arm.

Hot embarrassment and shame blooms in his chest and he growls, stumbling away. Chuckling lowly, he looks from the floor to the kitchen doorway. His stomach tightens and he shakes his head. "I-I didn't mean to...I'm sorry." Pinching the bridge of his nose, Hope takes another step away from her, opening and closing his mouth. His thoughts scatter, coherency lost to the nauseousness gurgling up his throat.

"I shouldn't have yelled like that. I don't know what I'm doing." He turns, shoulders hitching with his breaths. "I-I don't-you want something to eat? Are you tired? I can find-find-" Hope breaks off, heading for the kitchen. His muscles are taut and the room presses hard on him.

_I need to-to go clear my head. What am I doing? Yelling at a crying woman. Oh, yeah, that's real smooth-_

"No."

Hope freezes at the tug on his shirt. His heart races to his throat and he tenses. Serah's fingers curl around the fabric and pull him backward, but he does not look behind him.

"Don't leave, Hope." Serah's voice is soft, but his eyes widen at the growl he hears behind it. "Don't you dare leave now."

"S-"

"Let me talk." His eyes close and he listens as Serah shifts on the couch. Stomach flipping, he makes to turn, only to gasp when her arms wrap around his waist from behind. "You need...to let me talk."

Her body molds perfectly against his, her curves fitting easily into his crooks and corners. Heat pools in his stomach and leaks down his body as she presses her lips to his neck. "Just hush."

"S-Serah, n-"

"What you did just now," she says, keeping her voice quiet, but speaking loud enough to overcome is broken words, "was amazing."

Hope starts to shake his head but jolts when Serah's teeth nip his skin. "You don't see it, do you? What you did?" Her lips touch his skin with every word and goosebumps erupt on every inch of his flesh. The flames in his stomach roar into a wildfire, and he clings to her every word to distract himself from the blaze.

"It comes naturally to you. When someone you care about needs a helping hand, or even a few...harsh words." She presses her forehead to the back of his neck and his shoulders slump at the hot tears he feels dribble down his back. "Hope, you have no idea how much that means to me."

"Serah...Serah, no-"

"You're the only one, Hope," He wants the words, he wants her near him like this. His breath comes in short bursts. His hands claw at his sides and he bounces his leg. "You're the only one willing to be rough with me."

"N..."

"Snow is always so careful. So,_ so_ careful-like I'll break any second."

Hope sees her sobs without looking and shakes his head. Taking a deep, wavering breath he turns and grabs her by the shoulders. He does not squeeze like before, and with great effort, manages to pull her away. He swallows several times, mouth dry and voice cracked because of it.

"Serah." He reaches for her right cheek and wipes at the tear-stained skin. Her blue eyes burn him but he smiles. "I think you just might."

"Maybe," Serah whispers. She leans closer and Hope's heart nearly rips from his chest. The room around him swirls and blurs and all he can see is Serah. Her eyes, her lips, and all her tears. "But, you haven't let me yet."

"I-I-"

Serah's mouth silences him and he moans, melting against her. Everything burns, but the kiss sears him. Her lips move easily against his and she bites his bottom lip. He gasps and she moves in, poking his tongue with hers and moaning a little herself. Hope's muscles loosen and tighten all at once and Serah sucks on his bottom lip when she pulls apart for breath.

Hope barely has time to blink before Serah is on him again, the kiss deeper than before. She catches his bottom lip again and melds her body to his, her hands wrapping around his waist. Blood simmering, Hope gasps at a sudden pressure down below, leaving his mind reeling at the electric shock. Serah dives for his neck and leaves a trail of fire with each kiss, stopping at his pulse and licking at the skin. Hope's hands grasp her shoulders and he shakes his head, closing his eyes and groaning.

"N-nnno. Not-no-can't-" Hope blinks, grasping for the words despite the heat blooming in his stomach and groin. "Not-not like this. I can't." _Hot, hot, too tight._

"Hope," Serah gasps, and he squeezes her shoulders.

"I won't-won't forgive myself. Snow and you-and you-you're vulnerable. And-"

"Hope." Her breath whistles by his ear and he shudders. "You're holding me closer."

Hope's mouth opens and closes and he looks down at her, eyes bleary. His wrap around her shoulders and pull her closer to his chest, and he swallows at the sight.

"Oh..."

Serah's hand presses against his heart and she nuzzles close to his chest. "It's beating so fast," she mumbles.

"I-I don't want to take advantage of you."

She shakes her head and grabs his hand, leaning away from him so he can see her face. Hope's body chills at the loss but he focuses on Serah's face. Her eyes burn brightly, leaving him smoking as her gaze travels from his chest to his face. She takes his hand and places it near her left breast. Hope's voice catches but she slips his fingers past the buttons and into the skin.

"Close your eyes."

He does so, unable to say no. Steadying his breath, he waits and feels, and soon Serah's own rapid heartbeat flutters between his fingers. The thrumming almost pulses into his own body and soon he feels the fire burning on her skin and the sweat and tight muscles-

"Se-Serah. I don't-"

Her trembling hand grabs his wrist and pulls him close to her. His arms are around her in seconds and he uses her as an anchor in his now sinking, swimming, and tilting world. His eyes remain closed and he waits for her words to come. His stomach tightens and the fire roars louder and hotter and bigger. Everything is too close and too tight.

"I should be saying sorry," she says, and he grabs onto her voice and to her, fusing them together. "If anyone is taking advantage of anyone, it's me. Hope, I'm about to be very selfish. I'm about to kiss you. I'm about to make love to you. You've been so kind and loving, Hope. I _need_ that. I need _you_."

His eyes pop open at her words and he kisses the crook of her neck. Leaves small, light pecks of love as she speaks. "I need you, Hope. I just-I can't seem to stay away." He hears the hurt in her voice and leaves a harsh kiss on her neck, biting the skin as he pulls away. She moans and his heart leaps at the sound.

"I want you inside me, Hope."

Something snaps and he scoops her up, diving into her collarbone and kissing and sucking as he carries her to his room. A startled gasp gives him an opening and he claims her mouth, causing a moan as she collapses against him. She wraps her arms around his neck, curling her body as close as she can as the world shifts. Darkness consumes her, but another kiss sends her thrashing. Heat pools in her chest and abdomen and she groans.

"Hope..."

They land on his bed, the mattress groaning beneath them. Hope leans over Serah, kissing her neck and collarbone and trailing down to her breasts. Her hands grasp his back and she curls her toes when he sucks hard on her right breast, breathing turning to gasping. He moves away with a soft pop, blowing on the mark and making her wriggle before meeting her eyes. Even in the dark, Serah can see his fire, and Hope can see hers.

"Once I start," Hope mutters, hands trailing her sides. The touches are barely there and she writhes at the almost-contact. "There's no way I'll be able to stop."

Serah shudders at the promise.

"Who said I wanted you to-AH!" She sinks her hands into his hair when his mouth finds her left breast and sucks before trailing down her stomach, then back to her lips. Serah blinks, panting before reaching for the hem of Hope's pants and tugging down. Hope groans when her hand finds his member, and she squeezes lightly, smiling at the moan. She runs her fingers along the fabric of her pants and Hope thrashes above her, burying his face in her neck and nibbling the skin.

"Mm...nnggh, tease-" His words turn into a gasp when she yanks his pants down. She writhes and shudders when Hope rips away his shirt and moves for her shorts. His fingers stop at the boxers and he leans to her stomach. She feels him smile on her skin, humming, "These look great on you."

"H-Hope-" She bucks when he runs a finger up and down her womanhood, twisting and turning his digits through the fabric. She growls and reaches for his own boxers, pulling them down and relishing the hiss he releases. She grabs lightly and squeezes a few times, shuddering at the moaning. He thrusts into her hand and gasps, kissing her chest. Trembling fingers find their way to her boxers and they're down in seconds, leaving her panting and exposed. The cold air sizzles her and she moans.

"I...need you, too." He kisses her stomach before leaning over her. Her body quakes, the heat and thrumming in her body leaving her too hot and tight. She gasps and tenses when she feels him near her entrance, her hands flailing and curling around him.

"H-Hope. Please." She stops and thrashes as he eases into her, tight and full and splitting all at once. Pain blurs with pleasure and Hope hisses at the pressure around him. Hazy eyes stare down and he watches Serah's face twist, sweat shining on her face. He watches the pulse on her neck bob up and down, only to gasp when she tightens around him. White edges his vision and the blood below boils.

"Oh, God, Serah. T-tell me-tell me-" Another squeeze and Hope pants, bucking. "Tell me when..." He's amazed by her wide, burning, quivering eyes. The way her face curls into pleasure and need with desperate pants and gasps.

"Now-God, now!"

And he moves as soon as he hears it, gasping and panting with her. The world is gone, the bed is gone, and all he can feel his Serah's hot, sweating body against his. Feel her around him, squeezing him, pushing him over. Serah grasps his back and claws his skin and they move faster. Harder. Over and over and over, each move tighter and hotter than the last.

Serah wriggles, toes curling and tightening as explosions of white hot bliss erupt inside her. She feels her edge coming, barely opens her mouth to scream, "Hope!" before she explodes, wiping her clean of everything but the waves of hot, pulsing pleasure. She gasps when Hope cums, feeling full again as he buries his face into her neck and groans out her name.

She holds him tight until the crashing waves dwindle into content ripples, her body liquid and impossible to gather and move. Hope moans and slowly, carefully, eases out of her and to her side. He places a hand on her stomach and Serah's eyes swivel to his, watching the hazy green in the darkness.

"Hope..."

He inches closer to her, his sluggish movements making Serah smile. He reaches blindly for his blanket and throws it over them, careful to cover Serah in as much as he can. He blinks tiredly, turning his index finger until Serah turns her back to him. Then he tangles his legs with hers and wraps his arms around her waist. Sighing, he settles his face against her back, kissing the skin.

"Sleep now. Think later."

Serah nods, mind buzzing faintly as sleep calls. But she keeps a hand around Hope's and smiles.

"Thank you."


	7. Morning Sickness

**Hello readers! I first want to apologize to the people I have not pmed back yet-I am in the middle of a giant update/writing spree, but I will now be able to get back t you soon. And I've been productive, finishing this chapter, another chapter for a separate story, a one-shot for another fandom, and starting a new story for this one. So I am not getting back to you because I don't want to talk; I am simply very busy!**

**Anonymous reviews:**

**mr . jellycup: Yay! I'm glad it went the way you liked! But don't rest yet-we're still on a pretty crazy roller-coaster with these two! But thank you for this lovely review. And it's not problem. I love to show my readers/reviewers how much I appreciate them.**

**kwabbee patteh: Better late than never, neh? But I'm glad it was worth it! Makes me feel all warm inside. And the loyal fan part just had me smiling and feeling so happy. *hugs* Thank you for sticking with me and enjoying what I've written. It means an whole lot to me!**

**And I want to thank everyone else too! This story wouldn't be possible without your support, so thank you so much! **

**This chapter I was all, "Blargh" about when I first wrote it, but the second read through made me more at piece. I'm sure editing helped with that. Still, I hope it's all right to all of you! But I should stop talking. Thank you all for reading and putting up with my long author's note.**

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><p>Waking comes slowly. Hope cuddles into warm skin and covers, scrunching his eyes at the oncoming light pouring from his bedroom window. As the sun's rays beam into his eyelids, he hides beneath the blankets and growls, muttering incoherently. He presses himself further into someone's back, the heat radiating from the flesh hitting him like a sledgehammer. Eyes shooting open, he yanks himself up and stares down at Serah as she slumbers beneath him, still oblivious to the waiting world.<p>

Hope's stomach clenches and flutters at the same time, and he's not sure if he wants to vomit or wrap his legs around Serah and go back to sleep.

"Oh man. Oh man, oh man!" Rubbing at his face, Hope sits up and pulls his knees with him, rustling the covers. Serah stirs, causing Hope to freeze. A bead of sweat rolls down his temple until Serah settles again.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Hope sighs. "What have you gotten yourself into?"

His body still thrums from last night, and he is hard-pressed to forget the pleasures he felt. The thought of Serah as she seduced him, said she needed him, kissed his-

_So. Not. Helping._

Absently scratching himself, Hope throws his legs over the side of the bed and stares down at the carpet, mind buzzing. _I mean, what do we even do now? Are we an item? An _illicit_ item? I guess illicit is sort of a given, but still..._

_What about her? Does she regret it? She's the one who initiated it, but that doesn't mean a person can't regret starting something. But...what if she doesn't? Do I want it?_

He glances back at her, heart twisting in his chest. _Of course I do. She-she's amazing. And, I know I can help her if she'll let me. But-but what about Snow?_

A heavy, cold weight sits on Hope's chest, and he slams his eyes shut. _I'm angry at the guy, but I'm not _that_ angry. And he saved my life! A lot! And what do I do? I sleep with his wife!_

_The wife he's been ignoring._

_But it's still wrong!_

_But, I-I really like her-_

_But it's Snow!_

Groaning, he presses the palms of his hands to his eyes. Soon after, he brings his knees up to his face and buries his face, muffling a frustrated cry. Desperate tears threaten his eyes, and he shakes his head and rubs his face into knees until he leaves the skin red raw.

"Why can't this be simple?" His legs fall loosely onto the floor and Hope tilts his head toward the ceiling. "What do I even do?"

Moaning from the bed stops him, eyes swiveling behind as Serah moves again. Hope turns around and crawls back into bed, hovering over her with worried eyes. Serah curls around herself briefly, then stretches out, arms reaching up and toes pointing straight down. Hope bites his lip, blushing at how easily she moves and realizing they are both still very, very naked.

Leaping out of bed, he throws open several drawers and pulls out his smallest clothes for Serah, while hastily throwing on boxers, baggy sweatpants, and sweatshirt for him. He holds the clothes for Serah as if they are grenades, inching back to the bed and kneeling by her side.

She continues to stretch like a kitten, but Hope pauses at the slight scrunch of her face and the way she groans. He leans in, catching the slight sheen of her skin before her eyes snap open and meet his.

Breath catching, he stares at her for a full minute. Her eyes are wide and totally focused on him, although Hope's sure she's realized that she is naked. And as the blush comes to her face, he's now sure she's remembered what happened last night.

Her mouth opens and she brings her hands to cover it, tears already flowing over her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. Hope ignores the painful, twisting, icy stab to his chest and thrusts the clothes at her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says, over and over, waiting for her to sob and tell him to leave, and he would, even if it was his house. _I took advantage of her. I took advantage of my friend's wife and now she hates and I can't believe I did this! _

Serah's trembling hands grab his, pulling the clothes and him towards her. Hope flinches when her watering eyes brush against his knuckles, but she lifts her lips up and kisses each finger, still quaking from head to toe. Panic surges through Hope and he's scrambling for something to say, although his mind turns up blank.

Serah stops the need. "No. No... I know what you're thinking. No, I don't-I don't regret it." Hope's eyebrows disappear into his bangs and Serah manages a wet chuckle. "Really, I don't. It's just-I-I did...Snow. I feel bad for what I've done to Snow."

She says it with a sob and Hope fights it, but a small cry escapes him too. It's a small and strangled sound, but it bubbles from him despite his efforts to squash it. He bows his head to hide his eyes, and the thoughts swirl and stab him, words like 'traitor' coming up a lot. His eyes are far too hot and he let's out another cry, drowned out by Serah's.

But she shifts until she's sitting up, pulling Hope with her. She bites her lip long enough to quell the next sob, watching Hope as tears drip away from his face. Still crying herself, Serah's mouth parts and she cups his jaw, tilting his gaze toward her.

"This is the first time I've seen you cry, I think. And it's my fault. I'm sorry, Hope." He shakes his head, tries to get out that he chose to be with her too, but she talks over his thoughts. "But I can never regret what we did last night. Or that I woke up in bed beside you."

"S-Serah..."

"I-We-made that decision. And..." she pauses for breath, blinking away new tears, "I'm so glad we did. Because-because even though I-I have done unforgivable things, you are still here. You have been, every step of-of the way-"

Serah pauses, bringing a hand to her head and swaying side to side. Hope bites down the last cry, blinking fast as Serah struggles to continue. "Sorry," she mumbles. "Anyway, I just-I want you to know that I-"

She stops again, shuddering. Her arms curl around her stomach and Hope jumps up, hands on her shoulders as he inspects her face. "Serah? Serah, what's wrong?" He looks closer at her cheeks, swearing when he realizes the blush from before has hardly gone down. _Not all of that's from crying..._

"Lay back down for a second." He pushes her back on the bed, worrying his lip when Serah barely protests. He brushes her bangs from her face, pressing a hand to her forehead and his free arm to his own. Her skin burns, the heat leaving a warm patch on Hope's arm as he pulls away. "No, no, you're sick. You're sick."

Serah shakes her head, grabbing his hand and smiling. She rubs the last of her tears away. "I'm not sick, Hope. You're overreacting."

"We'll see about that." Hope steps out and Serah sighs at the clatter she hears down the hall. Minutes later Hope is back with an electronic thermometer in hand, coaxing Serah up and sticking the thing in her mouth. Serah rolls her eyes but rests languidly in Hope's arms, eyes fluttering closed. Hope's gaze switches between her and the thermometer, and he bounces up and down as he waits for the beep.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

Pulling it out, he groans at the number and sets Serah back in the covers, narrowing his eyes when she looks at him. "102 degrees, Serah. Yeah, you're not sick at all."

Her blush deepens, and she glances away. "That's not so bad."

"Tell me that when you're able to stand." Hope screeches when Serah actually tries, pushing her back down and hissing. "I was kidding. You're staying put!" He runs a hand through his hair, twirling the thermometer in his hands. "See? This is what happens when you stand in the _freezing_ rain for goodness knows how long."

"Hope," Serah mumbles.

He leans over her and presses his forehead to hers. "Now what am I going to do with you?"

Serah rubs at her freshly burning eyes. "I-I guess take care of-"

"Of course I'm taking care of you. It's just...well..." Hope slowly pulls away, eyes skittering between her and the door. "Just...give me a second." He walks out again, heading back to the bathroom and opening the counter drawers and rummaging through the medicine rack on the wall.

Well, the medicine rack that had a total of one box of cottons swabs, anti-bacterial band-aids, a razor, and one thing of ibuprofen. His heart sinks and he pulls the one bottle of medicine from the shelf, returning to Serah with his tail between his legs. When she spots him in the doorway he waves the bottle as some sort of surrender flag, eyes scrunched. "See...this is about all I have in terms of medicine."

Serah's mouth drops in horror and Hope braces for impact. "What do you mean that's all you have? What do you do when _you _get sick!" His own jaw dropping in surprise, he rushes to her side and shakes his head.

"T-that's not the point! I hardly have anything I can help you with!"

"What do you-you mean!" She closes her eyes as a wave of hot nausea hits her, briefly pressing her face to the pillows before glaring up at him. "You can't live alone and have barely anything! That's ridiculous. And don't-don't give me something about hardly getting sick, because that is no excuse."

Hope's mouth snaps shut, eyes dropping to the floor. "But, I really don't."

"Hope, you're impossible sometimes." They catch each other's eyes and for a moment, every bad thought and feeling of guilt dissolves. They are only trying to help each other, to support the warmth that has grown between them, and Hope is almost overwhelmed by the flood of heat that blooms in his chest. His breath catches and he brushes away a stray lock of Serah's hair, smiling as she watches him.

"Sorry. I guess...I'm not used to this."

"I'm not either, Hope." She 'tsks' at his darkening eyes, grabbing his hand. "Not this kind of attention. It's different. In a good way." She rubs at her head, the pounding headache reminding her of the illness. "But, we still have to do something about your paltry supply of...medicine."

"I can swing by your place-"

"No," she says firmly. "You are going to march to a store and buy some of your own supplies. I will not have you living here with-with-this as your only means of remedy." Waving at the bottle, Hope nods.

"Fine, you win. But-but..." he looks at her, then the door, back at her, then the door. Over and over until she intervenes.

"Hope-"

"I don't want to leave you here by yourself!" He looks back at her, standing and pacing his room. "I mean, you're sick! What kind of guy would I be if I left you here alone while you feel like crap? A lousy one!"

"Hope, no-"

He throws his hands in the air. "But if I don't go, you're only gonna feel worse, and I don't want that either! But what about you? What if something happens and I'm gone and there's not way I can help you!"

"Hope!" Her voice cracks and Hope freezes, eyes lighting with new worry.

"Serah, oh no, are you okay?"

Serah sighs again, her shoulders slumping. "Hope...just get me a glass of water so I can take some of these. And stop worrying. You know what I'm going to do while you're gone? Sleep. That's it. I won't try anything. I won't make breakfast; I don't even have an appetite right now. I won't make any attempts to do what you deem 'risky' while you're gone. Except...well, put on some clothes. So...just go!"

Hope catches his lip between his teeth, nodding as he moves out of the room and returns with a cool glass of water. He pops open the bottle, hands her the pills, and waits until she gulps the them down before standing. He wrings his hands a few times, making several false starts before Serah throws a pillow at him and sends him on his way.

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><p>By the time he reaches the store, he is halfway between laughing hysterically and crashing Serah's car, and curling into a ball until his thoughts sort themselves out. The temptation to just sit in the parking lot almost overtakes him, but he knows Serah is sick and needs his help, and he'll be damned before ignoring her.<p>

_Yeah, and look what not ignoring her has done for you. What are you going to say to Snow? Oh, sorry, I just find your wife incredibly attractive, tried to help her as through her loneliness, and we just happened to have sex? That'll work well. He'll hate your guts. He'll punch you. Over and over and over. _

Hope groans as he enters the store, the chime as the door opens and shuts grating his frayed nerves. _And what do we do now? Serah-back there she said she doesn't regret it. Does that mean we're in a relationship? What about Snow? And Lightning? And everyone else we know? Do I want this? Does she really want this or is she just trying to look out for my feelings?_

_Ugh, why can't I sort this out!_

Shaking his head, he grabs a small basket and beelines for the medicine aisle. He looks through the bottles and boxes, stomach sinking as he realizes he has no idea what is wrong with Serah. Before long, he's just shoving various medicines into his basket; headache relievers, sleep aids, throat sprays, bandages, more band-aids, nasal sprays, cold reducers, flu reducers, pepto, and more. By the time he's done his basket is more than half-full of medicine.

"Hopefully she can help me sort this out. I didn't take a good checklist of her symptoms." He pauses, biting his lip. "Will she be staying for a while? Will she need anything else? L-like lady things?" His face burns at the words, but before he can truly contemplate it, he hears an all to familiar voice.

"Is that you, Mr. Estheim?"

The wind blows from Hope's lungs and he whips around to conform the absolute horror for himself. His anatomy professor is marching up to him, her short red hair burning into his mind and her brown eyes lighting up. She smirks when she sees how pale he's gotten at her appearance, chuckling. "Glad to see you too!"

"I-I'm sorry, Professor Gisli. It's just-um-I didn't really expect to see you. Right here. At this very moment in time." _You know, at the very worst moment. But why not? Everything else is spiraling out of control. _

"I know, it's so weird that I'd actually need to buy things too." Rolling her eyes, she peeks at Hope's basket. "Goodness, what's with all this?"

Hope holds back a groan. Escaping a conversation is now impossible. "A friend is sick and I'm taking care of her is all. Except, well, I didn't really check to see what she's sick with. So I'm just getting one of everything."

"A lady friend, huh?" Her smile turns devilish and Hope takes a step back. "Now, this wouldn't be the lady friend Noel told me you got, would it? The one who managed your turnaround in my class?"

Wondering just how hot his face can be and swearing that Noel would die the next time he saw him, Hope nods. "Y-yeah, her. She-she stayed the night but-don't look at me like that! What do you care, you're a professor?"

She giggles, biting her thumb. "You always get so flustered, Estheim. You know I like a good bit of gossip! And if you want my advice, get some pads and tampons, some razors, nice-smelling soaps, and anything else that looks good from _that_ aisle." She points to the one in the back of the store and Hope shakes his head.

"Anywhere but there."

"Weren't you talking about getting things like that anyway? You want her to feel welcome, right? And did you use a condom?" She sets a deep frown on her face, but her eyes are bright and way too happy for Hope's taste.

"I'm leaving now," Hope grinds out, marching away from his teacher.

"Condoms prevent mistakes!"

Hope's face falls as she shouts it through the store, and tears sting his eyes at the pure embarrassment flaring his cheeks. Eyes from nearly everyone in the store zone in on him and he bows his head, hurrying to the aisle and begging whoever's in charge to just kill him now.

"Why? Why? Is there really no such thing as a _normal _professor? And her-she's another tier of weird altogether!" He swallows hard and grabs blindly at packages marked pads and tampons, wondering briefly what the hell wings were and why they needed to be on anything like this.

"Her and her stupid advice," he grumbles, picking out a few soaps and grabbing some razors. He pauses at a purple loofah and shrugs, throwing it inside. "Why not? My pride's been through the shredder anyway." A woman passes him, raising an eyebrow and walking away with hurried steps.

Hope sighs. "And I'm talking to myself. That doesn't seem crazy."

He heads for the counter and pays for his things, determinedly looking anywhere but Professor Gisli. Her laughter worms its way into his head and it takes all his restraint not to cover his ears and shout 'la la la' just loud enough for her to hear. As soon as he can he rushes out of the store and nearly dives into the car, pulling away with record time.

But as soon as he's on the road and the burning shame of his professor's words catch up with him, he realizes he did _not_ use a condom. New panic bloom in his stomach and he screams, slamming his head on the steering wheel and causing the horn to sound. Snapping back up, he steadies himself on the road and takes a turn, shaking his head.

_Relax, Hope. Relax. Just-just ask Serah about it when we get back. Just add another thing on the plate of over complicated. It's an all you can eat buffet of difficulty! _

_Why? Why is this happening? _

_What do I do?_

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><p>Serah stifles a sob as she curls around Hope's pillow, tear tracks running down the fabric. She's too hot in the face but the rest of her body feels like ice; chills have long ago set into her bones and no matter how much she covers up she can't get warm.<p>

Her mind plagues her with images of Snow, broken face and desperate as she tells him what she's done. But no matter how much she tries, the regret does not pool inside her. Instead, she yearns to see Hope and have him hold her again, wiping away the tears and giving her the warmth she needs.

"What are you doing, Serah?" she asks herself, pulling the blankets and and clenching them tightly in her hands. "It's not fair to either of them." Her heart twists and implodes and bursts all at once, and she's left reeling at the sensation. Closing her eyes, she tries to calm herself, wishing for something to soothe her. In an instant, Hope's face swims into her mind, a soft smile spreading across his features. His eyes are stuck on her and he laughs, although she's not sure about what.

The word 'love' whispers in her mind and her eyes shoot open. "What do I do?" Serah rocks herself, curling her knees up to her chest and groaning. "Nothing makes sense now."

Hope's door opens and Serah whips around, hissing when the world sways. Hope gasps and hurries to her side, catching her before she falls over the bed. "I said be careful with yourself. This isn't careful!"

A half-sob, half-laugh escapes her and she shakes her head. "You worry too much."

"You're crying." Her eyes widen as Hope brushes her cheeks. Heart skipping, she nods.

"Yeah...just-just a little bit."

"It doesn't look like a little bit." There's a pause in his voice that catches Serah's ear. Hope's eyes darken, but he smiles and lifts her completely, setting her on the bed proper and bringing the covers back over. Serah sits up, sensing a shift in the air but not sure what it means. Hope's eyes remain downcast as he pulls a bag over and starts pulling boxes and bottles out of it.

"I forgot to really ask what was wrong with you before leaving," he says, his voice low. His hands tremble and Serah bites her lip as he shows her several bottles. "Chills, fever, sore throat, a bunch of stuff. Just tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong with you?" Serah shrinks when his gaze snaps to her, quickly adding, "Well, you know, right now? You-I don't know, you seem different."

He smiles and Serah almost shudders at the fakeness. "What are you talking about? I'm just fine."

"No, you're not." She grabs his hand and pulls him forward. "What's wrong?" She looks down, eyes searching the blankets. Her eyes widen and she whips her head back up. "Wait..."

Serah pulls his head toward hers and captures his lips, pushing his lips softly before pulling away.

"S-Serah?" Hope says, awestruck.

"I'm not crying because I don't want to be with you." She closes her eyes and lowers herself to the pillows, exhaustion catching up with her muscles. "I-I think I'm crying because I want to be."

Hope blinks, mouth slightly parted. "How could you-"

"Tell?" Serah chuckles. "Maybe you're amazing perception skills are rubbing off on me." Fresh tears prick the corners of her eyes and Hope grabs her hand, squeezing. She takes a deep breath, sighing. "I bet you've been as flustered as me. And I'm sorry for that. It's-I mean..." Her eyes meet his and she shakes her head. "I don't think I deserve this. I know-know I shouldn't be doing this."

Everything about her hurts. Her muscles and bones ache and her heart is so tired and weary. A heavy weight sits on her chest and she trembles. Her mind searches in vain for the right words to say, so her mouth does the talking on auto.

"But, when I look at you, and when you do things for me...it's something else. I feel different. And-and then you go and talk about things like college; about how I'd do great there."

"You _would_ do great, Serah!"

Serah smiles, a tear rolling down her face. "See? You do things like that and-and it makes me so happy. I don't know how else to explain it." She tries sitting up again, ignoring Hope's protests. "When I'm with you...I feel...more complete, somehow. I feel like myself again, and I didn't even realize I wasn't until I started hanging out with you." She cups his jaw, her fingertips brushing the ends of his hair. He closes his eyes and breathes, placing his hand on top of hers.

"So...I don't think I regret this. I don't think I ever could. I'm crying...because of who this is going to hurt. That's all."

Hope eventually nods but says nothing, instead rubbing circles into Serah's hand. She closes her eyes with him, humming a bit and smiling and crying all at once. And her heart still hurts. And a lot of things still don't make sense to her, and she isn't sure what she should do.

But he is there with her.

She blinks when Hope clears his throat, looking up at him with raised eyebrows. "Um...Serah?"

Serah giggles at his hesitation, biting her lip. "Yes?"

"Do-I mean...I know you're confused. And I'm confused too. And-and we might regret it later. And it might not be right. But..." Hope closes his eyes, chest swelling before he meets her gaze again. "I-I want to stay with you. I want to keep helping you see how-how great you really are. I want to help you be confident again. And-and I guess I just really want to spend time with you." His cheeks are bright red and he's sweating bullets.

"Hope..."

He tilts her head and kisses her, licking her lips and nibbling until she sighs. As he pulls back, his eyes lighten. "Will you stay with me?"

"What a silly question." She ruffles his hair, eyes warm. "I'm in pretty deep as it is. Besides...I want to spend time with you myself." She buries her head in the crook of his neck, a few stray tears escaping her. The weight on her lifts and presses, and she wants to sleep. Hope wraps his arms around her and brings her close.

"No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you."

Serah nods. "No matter what." Hope chuckles, kissing her on the top of the head. Swaying her back and forth, they stay there for a long time. Serah is almost rocked asleep when Hope asks in a quiet, scared voice.

"S-Serah, you are on birth control, right?" Her eyes snap open and she peels away. Hope jumps but is to slow to stop the pillow from slamming into his head.

"Get some more headache medicine, Hope." She holds back a grin, fixing her eyes in as mean a glare as she can. "And of course I do! I would have forced a condom on you otherwise."

Hope scrambles away, laughing himself and calling back that she needs more liquids. Serah sighs, smiling a bit while she looks down at her lap. In the back of her mind, she wonders again what's she's doing and where she's going.

The guilt does not disappear into the air.

But neither does their bond.


	8. You're Something Else

**Hello readers! I;m sorry for the length of time it took me to post the new chapter, and how long it's taken/taking me to reply to reviews and messages. College has started up for me, and it's hard to find the time to write with all the real life stuff going on. But I'll do my best to get back onto a semi-normal schedule. **

**I changed my pen-name (it will hopefully show later), because I like it more and it's easier to remember. And to sort of signal a new...I don't know. Something. But I want to thank everyone for staying with me, and I hope you'll continue to be patient with me as the story progresses. Your support and feedback means the world to me. I will reply to the signed-in reviews within the next day or two, and here is the anon:**

**kwabee patteh: I'm glad you liked it! *huggles* I like writing them that way too, so there will likely be more. And I'm glad it was funny! I worry my sense of humor might be askew. But thank you for the review. It means a lot. **

**Thank you to everyone, and onward to the story!**

* * *

><p>"I slept with Serah."<p>

The way Noel shrugs grinds against Hope's already frayed nerves, and he has to resist punching his friend to the ground. Noel leans casually against the green park bench, smashing his feet on the frosted grass. He blows out a sigh, his breath visible in the cold air.

"Well, I figured it was going to happen at some point. I mean, you almost never shut up about her and her problems these days." Hope's shoulders tense at this, and he growls.

"Her problems are real, Noel, and you-"

Noel holds his hands up, shaking his head. "Not what I meant, Hope. I'm just saying, you were hooked on her for a while, even before this whole mess." Noel hunches forward, resting his arms in this lap and staring hard ahead. A gust of wind blows the boys' bangs into their faces, and they scramble to brush them away.

"What I'm not quite getting," Noel says as the wind dies down, "is why you're telling anyone about this. At all. I mean, the whole thing about an affair is keeping it secret, right?"

Hope's eyes only widen further, and he begins to pace through the grass again. His face has numbed from the cold, but he nibbles his bottom lip. "Well, we decided we should try talking with someone close to us. One person each, you know? Get a new perspective, some advice, figure out what to do. It seemed like a good idea."

_Even if Serah's telling Lightning and I might be murdered when she comes back. _

Hope shakes his head, pausing to gaze at the ground. "It-it's been a few days since we-we did it, and we were feeling worse and worse."

"Guilty, huh?" Noel's continuing nonchalance is a blessing and a curse, and Hope yanks at his hair. "After all, even though Snow has been a right dick about this marriage, he's still a friend. And you just slept with his wife. Who you are infatuated with."

Hope groans and presses his palms to his eyes. But the last bit pokes and prods him, and he slowly looks at Noel.

"An infatuation?"

Noel's face darkens and Hope's entire body clenches. "Hope...I'm sorry, but who were you in love with before this whole relationship started?"

Hope fists his hands. His breath shortens and he waits for Noel to continue.

"I mean, you've been pining after Lightning for...I don't know, a while I guess. Longer than Serah, I know that. And Serah-she looks an awful lot like Lightning." Noel stands from the bench, his eyes sad as he looks at Hope. "I mean, that comes with being sisters, I guess. But..."

Hope's breath puffs out in more rapid bursts. His mind and body are gearing up for the words he knows are coming. His heart quickens; hearing it makes it real to him. Another problem to face in a sea of already torrential emotions.

"Hope, you got turned down hard. I get that. And I'm starting to think that maybe this whole thing with Serah is just you..." Noel stops, running a hand through his hair. "I think she's a replacement, Hope. I think this whole thing is you-you just getting over Lightning."

Noel shouts when Hope yanks him up by his collar, lifting him from the ground. Wriggling in Hope's grip, he aims a kick at his ankles, only to be swung away. "That's not it!" Hope grinds the words out, voice gravel.

"Yeah, I can tell from your reaction!" Noel snarls, kicking again. "I mean, come on, Hope! Don't you think it's just a little weird that you went from Lightning to Serah so fast? Maybe you're projecting Lightning onto her or something." Noel blinks when Hope sets him back on the ground. He adjusts his coat and stares at Hope.

Hope turns away, running his hands through his hair and shaking his head. His heart races and his legs itch to run. Escape. To be anywhere but here, where this new possibility hung like a black cloud over him.

_That can't be it. No...no it can't be that. Not that. No, no..._

"Hope."

"Be quiet." The words are harsh and Hope curls around himself. Noel furrows his brow, biting his lip and reaching out to Hope.

"Hope...I'm sorry, but I really think-"

"I said be quiet!"

"It's just-what else could it be, Hope?" Noel sighs, closing his eyes when a few snowflakes start to fall. "I-I can talk you through the other stuff, but you need to-Hope?"

Hope begins to walk away, heading down the curved path of the park. His hands remain around his middle, his body hunched over. Noel jumps, hurrying after him but making sure to stay a few steps behind.

"Hope, what are you doing?"

"You won't shut up," he growls, not even looking back. "It's making it hard to think."

Noel narrows his eyes but remains with Hope, walking with him as he leaves the park and starts down the sidewalk. Snow begins to cling to them as they head down the block, snaking past their coats, melting on their skin, and sending cold trails down their backs.

Hope eventually eases his arms back to his sides, but his eyes stay on the ground. The world around them is sparsely populated, people sticking to the warmth of their homes and businesses during the day. Hope is grateful for it; he has no desire or energy to deal with anyone else. He silently thanks Noel for staying silent as they wander aimlessly around, his mind still reeling.

_What if he's right? What if I just screwed up Serah's marriage-screwed up Serah-because I'm not over Lightning. Betrayed Snow. Fucked up a bunch of lives._

_Over-over-_

He nearly groans again, and his eyes are hot. Head throbbing, Hope finally stops and looks up at the sky, wincing when a snowflake lands on his eye.

_What if-what if that's all it is?_

"Hope?"

Hope shakes his head, looking back down. Raising his hands, he studies the palms, now red from the cold. A giant hole rips in his stomach, draining him of all his energy, leaving his muscles a liquid. He sways slightly, feeling far too empty and heavy. Noel's hand lands on his shoulder and he closes his eyes.

_This can't be happening. But what else could it-_

_What...else..._

His eyes snap open, a gasp ripping out.

"Hope? Hope, what is it?" Noel pulls on him but Hope barely feels it. Barely registers anything else but his speeding thoughts, this frightening realization. Hope clamps a hand over his mouth and Noel, alarmed, leads Hope back to the park. Throws him onto the nearest bench and yells to wait there while he looks for some water.

Hope just stares, hand still over his mouth, stomach churning. The hollowness leaves him as quickly as it had come, but a hard weight takes its place. His neck heats up and his free arm begins to travel around his middle again.

_If _that's_ true-_

He pictures Serah, bawling her eyes out, breaking down in front of him. Telling him how alone she is. And him, telling her he feels the same way.

Then saying they should hang out.

_If that-this is really true..._

Then there's Serah giving him advice. Saying Lightning will always love him. Helping him study. Cooking him dinners. Them watching movies together on her couch, sharing popcorn, laughing at the cheesy lines and grabbing each other when the murderer comes from behind.

At the theater. Yelling at her in the car. The kiss in the library. Telling her she can make it in college, and cursing Snow for not being there for this woman who needed someone. And the other night; the way she needed _him_. The way he needed her. So different, so warm and more than Hope knew he could ever imagine.

_Oh... Oh no..._

Her eyes, her hair, her face, her smile, her _laugh_. And he knows she looks like Lightning, and maybe at first that was it.

_But she's not Lightning. She's Serah. Serah, who's lonely and hates it. Who gets scared at the psychological thrillers and jumps when I do. Serah who laughs and smiles wide and leans in close. Serah, who's warmer than-than Lightning. She talks to me about anything and-and-_

_-she _isn't_ Lightning. I know that._

_I know that. _

"Drink this before you pass out. You're looking faint, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Noel shoves a bottle of water in his hands, startling him from his stupor. Hope blinks at the bottle, holding it loosely as he looks up at Noel.

"Hope, you're starting to freak me out. Do I need to-"

"Serah isn't Lightning."

Noel stops, raising an eyebrow. Throat tightening, he answers slowly, "Yeah...I know that. And I think you're-"

"Serah isn't Lightning," Hope says again. "And...and I know that. Have known it." Noel's eyebrows disappear into his bangs, but Hope shakes his head. Stares down at the container in his hand. Noel swallows at the terror in Hope's eyes.

"I think I love her, Noel." Hope closes his eyes, hissing at the burn he feels behind them. "And If I love her..."

He doesn't finish. Can't finish. Silence stretches between them and Noel sits beside Hope, bumping arms with him. "Hope...are you sure?"

Hope doesn't answer; only gazes at the water bottle and wonders which is worse. Using Serah as a replacement.

Or being in love with her.

* * *

><p>"I slept with Hope."<p>

The words tumble out of Serah's mouth before she can control it. Her mind hadn't even processed it, her gut hadn't warned her; her mouth just moved and even though she planned to tell Lightning, it would have happened later in the conversation.

Not after, "Hello, Serah. How are you?"

The silence on the other end makes Serah's already twisted guts strangle her liver, and she leans against the wall. She considers banging her head until she gives herself a concussion, but her sister would only freak out more, and that would do her no good.

Serah is well aware of what Lightning could do if something happens to her.

_Please say something._ Tapping her foot, she closes her eyes and braces for impact. _Say something. Say anything. Just say it!_

"Well, that's not what I expected to hear."

Serah releases a heavy sigh, her chest loosening and her body melting against the wall. The line crackles from her breath but her sister's voice comes through. "I hope I don't have to kill him."

"No! No, please don't kill him. It was totally mutual." Serah swallows, free hand curling around her hair. "And...I might have started it."

"You started it?"

Serah bites her cheek at Lightning's disbelief. _Now is not the time to say something like, "What? Can't I start a sexy love affair?"_

"Yes, I started it." She swallows again, her mouth so dry it burns. "And-and-I feel-"

"Guilty?"

"Yes! But, I also don't want to stop-I don't know, are we seeing each other?" Serah shakes her head, picking herself up from the wall to pace her living room. "I mean, we agreed to just see where it goes, but I don't even know what that means! Are we supposed to date? Do we just do what we did before? And don't get me started on Snow and how I'm going to sort this out."

Serah moans, wiping at her eyes. "I'm such a bad person, sis! I started an affair! I have a husband, but I had sex with-with Hope!" She huffs, flailing her arms. "And it was great, don't get me wrong, but what about Snow? Oh, goodness, what am I going to do? He'll never forgive. He shouldn't forgive me! And I know I should stop, but Hope-Hope is just so-so-I don't even know how to explain it. He's just something else. He's been so kind and gentle with me, but other times he knows when to really toughen up, and Snow-"

"Serah."

Serah stops, gasping for breath and clutching her sore stomach. Lightning 'tsks' on the other end, and Serah can picture her rolling her eyes. "Please remember to breathe."

"Okay," she says in a small voice, wilting a bit. She takes several deep breaths, but Lightning stops her from speaking again.

"I don't think I need to tell you that telling me about this-"

"I know! I know. But-but Hope and I talked and we both agreed that if we talked to someone about it...it might be easier to figure out what to do." Serah toes a hole into her carpet, biting her lip. "He went off to tell Noel a little while ago. I-I knew you'd call, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start off that way. And you should have seen Hope when I said I'd tell you..."

Lightning chuckles and Serah grabs the sound and holds it; not all is lost if her sister can find humor in the situation.

Or the opposite, but Serah is an optimist.

"I'd imagine so." A pause, and this time Serah does not interrupt it. Her body absently seeks the couch, her legs weak. "But you need more from me than that, don't you?" A sigh from her end sends Serah's heart hammering, and she grips the phone tighter. "Serah, what have you gotten yourself into?"

Serah almost gasps, her eyes burning. Suddenly she's little again, and Lightning is the new mommy, telling her what she did wrong. Telling her how to fix it, who to say sorry to.

"I won't tell Snow, but you already knew that. You come first. No matter what."

Her racing heart brakes to a stop so fast it rattles her chest. She curls around herself, shaking her head. "Light-"

"Hush. I mean it." Serah closes her eyes and listens to her sister's breathing. Rocks herself to it, chest filling with warmth and wishing Lightning were in front of her. "I don't know where you need to go from here, Serah. I don't think I can know. But sooner or later, you'll need to tell Snow."

"I-I know. I know, I just-"

"You don't know what you want. And you don't want to tell him until you're sure either way." A pause, and Serah rocks faster. "I had a feeling. Before I left...seeing the two of you. But I didn't want to say anything. Perhaps I should have."

Serah shakes her head, only just remembering that Lightning can't see her. "No. No, I'm glad you didn't. Things were hard then. I-we-we had kissed. He had kissed me, and I kissed back but...but then we just-stopped talking after that."

Lightning hums before speaking. "Do you regret what you did?"

"I hate that this will hurt Snow. But no, I don't regret what we did." Serah is surprised by the force in her force, and her heart hardens with it. "I don't regret it at all."

"Do you understand all the reasons why you could be doing this?" She pauses, and says a bit more quietly. "All the reasons he might be?"

"W-what?"

Serah just barely hears her sister shudder out a breath and her own throat tightens. "Remember...who Hope had a crush on? And...this is awfully soon after-"

Serah can't hear the last part; she pieces together the rest on her own and her heart fills with dark, cold dread. She closes her eyes and shakes her head, mind grabbing all the memories she has with Hope. The earliest ones, seeing him as a young boy, and the newest ones. Of the entire confession of loving Lightning and of all the things he's done and said since then. The looks he's sent her; his painfully gentle hands and his harsh words and his eyes. A quiet storm; rarely truly calm.

"Serah, what-"

"No." Her eyes open slowly and she smiles. "That-I don't think that's it. I don't know what it is, but it's not that."

"Serah-"

"I know because-because of how he acts around me. I can just...tell. I can tell that's not it. And Lightning, you didn't see him when-when I went over there. When I started this affair. He may have kissed me, but I'm the one who went back to him. And he tried so, _so_ hard to say no to me." Serah shivers at the memory, clenching the phone. "I just-I don't think he was thinking of you. No offense," she adds quickly, eyes worried.

"Serah, are you sure?"

"Yes," she says it the same way she stated her lack of regret. Blinking rapidly, she says in a quiet voice. "I'm more worried about my side of things. What if-what if it all goes wrong? I mean, Hope is just-I don't think I can lose him. Even if we're not lovers, I can't lose him as a friend. He's just-"

Lightning laughs again and Serah's eyes widen. "He's changed things, right? Changed you. It's like he's become a rock?"

"And you just can't imagine him not being there," Serah says, blinking the tears away. She rubs her face, feeling heavy and tired. "I don't want to lose that. He's done so much for me, and I don't want to ruin it."

"But you want to keep going." A statement, not a question. Serah closes her eyes and lays on the couch, letting her hand trail on the carpet.

"I do."

"Then you'll have to risk it, won't you?"

Serah nods, smiling a bit. "Yes...yes I will."

Quiet settles between them and Serah takes comfort in listening to her sister's steady breathing. She imagines she is little again, without these grown-up problems of missing husbands and love affairs and indecision. Puts herself back in a world where she counts her sister's breaths until they lull her to sleep.

"I'm sorry I wasn't much help."

"No." Serah smiles wider, shaking her head. "This helped a lot, Light. I-I wasn't thinking clearly. I needed an outside perspective. And...and someone to tell. Get some of it off my chest."

"I'm sure we'll be talking about it more. Maybe it'll get better if we do that."

"I know it will." Serah runs her fingers through her hair, opening her eyes to stare at the ceiling. "Thank you, Claire."

She pretends not to hear the small intake of breath, and that the sixty seconds silence that follows doesn't happen, and merely smiles when Lightning mutters, "Of course, Serah."

"Now, enough of my problems. What's been going on? Kill anyone for stealing your coffee yet?"

And they talk for two more hours, about tiny unimportant things. About Lightning's life and Serah's life, and back when they were little, when their biggest worry was schoolwork and dinner and when mom was coming home.

* * *

><p>The chilled air ruffles Hope's coat and hair as he comes toward Serah's house, shivering from the cold. His cheeks are red raw after his long walk around the town, having only stopped by a cafe after separating from Noel. Moving his fingers makes them throb, the muscles rigid and bones ice.<p>

Staring at Serah's house, his stomach churns and tightens, unsure of what to say to her. He is still not entirely certain if his realization from before is true, but it rings closer than the other scenario. _Nothing else really fits. I've tried to come up with other things...but-but this one feels the most-the most right. Or am I just mistaking it for something else? I don't understand it. _

_And if I do...what then? What do I tell her? And what about Snow? What if this doesn't work out? And what the hell am I expecting for 'working out' anyway? _

_Why can't this make sense to me!_

Groaning, he runs his hands through his hair, pulling on the ends until it hurts. He kicks at the gathering, powdery snow and swears under his breath.

_What do I say to her!_ _What do I do?_

The headache from before has only spread from his left temple to his right, and back again. A steady pounding in the base of his skull compounds the pain, and he wants nothing more than to curl into his own bed and forget the world for a few weeks. The talk with Noel may have alleviated some of his guilt, but it adds new problems he is not ready to face.

Shaking his head, he reaches into his pocket, hissing at his hardened fingers. Before long he's waiting for Noel to pick up his phone, staring forlornly at Serah's home before his eyes close at Noel's voice.

"Hope?" There's an edge to his voice and Hope almost smiles. "Are you doing any better?"

"Not really," he mumbles back, hunching his back when a gust of wind blows through him. "Kind of lost."

"In what sense of the word?"

Hope growls. "You know what sense."

Noel chuckles, but it dies down when Hope remains silent. "Then what is it?"

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do." He tilts his head up, glad there are no more snowflakes to attack his face. "What do you do when you think you love someone?"

"I'm not seriously having this conversation with you, am I?"

"Well sorry for-"

"I'm not talking about the whole, 'she's married' thing. You're already well aware of that, and you went and did it anyway. So all that's left to do..." Noel pauses and Hope knows it's on purpose; knows he's trying to psyche him out.

And it works, if the way his heart flips is any indication.

"...is ask her out."

"Wh-what?"

"I know, it's hard to believe that such a complicated problem could have such a simple solution."

Hope shakes his head, taking a step back and staring into the streets and sidewalks, as if he were looking for an escape. "But, Noel, this is way different."

"Maybe, but not as much as you think. At this point, what do you have to lose? You already decided to stay with her, right? Might as well have some fun. Well, more fun, anyway." Hope's cheeks warm slightly, and the burning pain that comes makes him wince.

"But I really-what if I am-" Hope stops himself, closing his eyes and tensing all over. He pictures Lightning giving him the mantra that pulled him through his time as a l'Cie, and guided him through his life ever since.

_There are some things in life you just do. _

"Fine," he says, his voice shaking slightly. He jumps at a door slamming open, whipping around to see Serah at her doorstep. She's dressed in a heavy brown coat and a thick pair of jeans, but what catches his eyes is the bright red scarf she has tied around her neck. "I'll ask her," he mumbles, giving her a wave. "I'll go for it."

"That's what I wanted to hear. Good luck."

"Thanks, Noel." Hope straightens out when she starts walking toward him, her pace quickening when she spots how red his face is. "Thank you." He ends the call and pockets his phone, smiling as wide as he can as Serah comes up to him.

"Hope! Ho-how long have you been out here?" she asks, touching his cheek when she reaches him. "Your lips are blue!" Hope's eyes flutter when she brushes his lips, and he grabs her arm, squeezing gently.

"A while. Longer than I should have," he says quietly, eyes warming as she worries over him.

"Then get in, you dummy! You'll catch a cold if you stay out here too long. Why didn't you call me, I would have picked you up." Hope hums, watching her eyes as they search him for any other signs of injury or illness, and his chest starts flooding with warmth.

_This woman..._

"Wait until Light hears about this. She'll be calling you, by the way. Said she wanted to talk to you a bit too, but don't worry! It's not bad. And what are you staring at? Are you okay?" She grabs his face in her hands, rubbing the skin with her fingers. "You really were out here too long, weren't you? Why did you do this to yourself?"

_She's...just something else. And I-I think I lo-_

"Hope, please say something-" Her words are muffled when he pulls her against his chest, as if holding her would stop it from exploding from all the heat and love and things he can't describe that pour into it. He rubs his cheek on the top of her head and sways with her, breathing hard.

"You're Serah," he whispers into her hair, arms tightening around her slender frame.

"Y-yes..." She tries to look up, but Hope melds her against him and all she can see is his coat.

He shakes his head, running his fingers through her hair. His body burns from the warmth that hits him. It pulses through his body and he shudders. He wants her to know and to understand all the things he's thought of and realized, but uncertainty hits his heart and he can't form the words.

"You're _you_." The words are forceful and he kisses the top of her head, rocking her more. Serah blinks, tilting her head slightly. Slowly, her arms wrap around his waist and she nuzzles his chest. Hope's breath catches and something inside him loosens.

"Yes, Hope. I'm me."

_She understands. She knows about this, at least. I can tell her the rest later, but I need her to know that it's her I see._

_Just her. _

Soon he releases her, settling for holding her hand as she steps away from him. Her cheeks flush and she smiles, shaking her head. "You're something else, Hope."

He blinks, mouth parting. A chuckle slips away from him and he grins. "You think so?"

"I know so."

"Well, the feeling's more than mutual."

He swings her hand, glancing toward the sky. Serah's eyes follow his, and she asks, "How'd your talk go?"

"Weird and awkward. But I feel better. I think. And yours?"

"Pretty much the same. But...it's nice. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it. Get advice from."

"Not if it's Noel." Hope scowls, but the smiles pokes through. "He was pretty much waiting for us to have sex."

"Oh no, tell me that's not true." Her voice almost cracks and she stomps the ground when Hope just laughs. "There's no way it was that obvious! Lightning had a feeling too!"

"S-She did?" Hope's jaw drops and shoulders slump. "I guess we're more obvious than we think." Hope stops, glancing back at Serah. Bouncing his foot, he licks his lips and asks, "But...if we're that transparent...maybe we could, I don't know. Maybe...make it more official. Go on a date of some sort. Out in public, but be private or something. Hold hands and all."

Serah's eyes widen and for a brief, terrifying second, Hope thinks he's ruined everything. But then she smiles and laughs, pulling him toward her house. "Well yeah! Of course. We have to be a little careful but...I'd love to go out on a date with you." She turns her face away to hide her blush. "It's silly, isn't it? I mean, after what we did...but then we still get all nervous about-about a date."

Hope catches her from behind, whispering in her ear, "I don't know, I think it's kind of refreshing."

"Oh, stop!" Her giggles lead him into the house and he follows after her, cheeks throbbing, but in a good way now. _It's getting easier,_ he decides as he kicks the door closed. Serah looks back at him and he touches her face. Moves in for a kiss.

_Bit by bit, it's getting easier. _


End file.
